#1
Living with the world on my shoulders,
but you all think I've got it easy
Another day of desperation,
finding an even sicker way to fuel me
You cant even comprehend what happens when I shed the outer shell
The inner beast comes out and I begin to slip into my own form of hell

Do you think you know desperation?
Do you think you've feld adgitiation
I may seem fine in the day,
but in the night I'll fade away

I lay here traped in my own thoughts
Lacerated from the consequences of what I've done
I cant hope for much more
than to make it out from behind the closed door

Inside the dark will always hide
I can only hope it stays conceled
Keep the monster caged inside
Let my sins not be revealed

I lay here traped in my own thoughts
Lacerated from the consequences of what I've done
I cant hope for much more
than to make it out from behind the closed door


Do you think you know desperation?
Do you think you've feld adgitiation
I may seem fine in the day,
but in the night I'll fade away

I lay here traped in my own thoughts
Lacerated from the consequences of what I've done
I cant hope for much more
than to make it out from behind the closed door
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Let me know what you think please. The Stanzas go in this order

Verse 1
Pre-Chorus
Chorus
Verse 2
Chorus
Pre-Chorus
Chorus

Right now these are just lyrics, but I am working on getting a solid chord progression to go with it, and then hopefully a full preformance arangement, and an acoustic arangement. Anyways, right now I just need some lyrical advice. One thing I was looking to fix is the rhyme between lines 2 and 4 of Verse 1. The words "easy" and "me" can kind of rhyme, but I feel like there is something so much more appropriate, and I just cant seem to put my thumb on it, ya know? Anything else you can see that you think could use some work let me know please!

Thanks for the comments, and I'll be sure to return them, just give me a web address also on UG.com please!
-dominicmorlan
#2
"Feed me" would work better than "fuel me" I believe. Not really a fan of the word "sicker". I think you can come up with something more powerful there. I also suggest dividing up the last two lines of the first verse into four lines. The last line of the pre-chorus doesn't make a lot of sense. It's cliche and just seems to be there to fit the rhyme. Even something like "But in the night I go insane" would be a better fit. The chorus is fine, I just wish that somewhere in the song you would explain these terrible things you've done. Throughout the song you tell us that you (the narrator I mean) have terrible thoughts and are evil. Well, don't tell us. Show us. And lastly I think the second verse needs a stronger opening line. I suggest relating it more to the "monster". Anyways, I hope this crit helped and I hope to read more from you.

Crit mine please.
Man Versus God
#3
I enjoyed some of this, but I feel like you got a bit self-indulgent and whiny around "Do you think you know desperation?" It just feels like you're saying, "I've felt more pain than you so stop complaining about your problems and start feeling sorry for me and fearing me." It may not have been your intention, but that's kind of the feel I get from a lot of this.

I think this would work fine for metal lyrics or something similar, but as a poem, it feels shallow. Not bad, though.

If you don't mind critiquing "Fingerpaint" in my signature, I'd appreciate it.
#4
themarsvolta
I was actually thinking about "feed me" as well, and I think it does fit better. I did originally have those last two lines divided like that, and now that you mention it, I agree that it works a lot more. I will admit that you are right about the last pre-chorus line, I kind of hit a block on that line haha, I'll see what I can do. I can agree that it stays a bit anonymous, but at the same time, the point is not to come completly out with it either. I do like the idea of the word monster, but I also dont want to turn it into a remake of "Monster" By Skillet haha

Winter Sky
My aim was definatly for a metal/emo sound, though not whiney. I have been thinking about changing the pre-chorus to "I can see this desperation" and "I can feel this adgitation", do you think that would at least take some of the whiney feel out of it? Also, I really hope this is not a fear me song haha, could you explain what you mean by that? If it is the "inner beast" part, then I think I can see where you are coming from.
#5
As a metal/emo song, this definitely works. The rhetorical questions that make up the beginning of the pre-chorus are where I'm picking up on the whiny thing, so I suggest making that change.

And, yes, the inner beast part as well as the aforementioned lines in the pre-chorus are what gave me a hint of a "fear me" 'attitude; questions like "Do you think you know desperation?" are typically used when someone is trying to intimidate someone else ("You think you know desperation? I'll show you desperation!")

Anyway, now that I'm sure this is meant to be metal/emo, I can safely say I like it. Like I said, I don't think it would work as a poem, but it works well as metal/emo lyrics.