#1
CC please? its upbeat. kinda "The Strokes-esque"

other title ideas welcome
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So I'm joining the army
She said "You can't be serious, are you?"
Won't you come with me?
She said "Babe, we aren't gonna make it through."

And now I'm alone
In this life
In this time and place

And now I'm gone
For this time
Now I'm losing this race

So now I'm leaving
They said "He can't help but be curious, aren't you?"
and now I'm feeling
All these things that mankind makes us do

And now I'm sick
In my brain
In my state of mind

And now I'm lost
Away
I'm losing this time

I want to be something better
Than myself, than myself oh

I want to do something bigger
Than just wealth, that just wealth oh

And now I'm fading
I'm doing all I can to survive
And now I'm saying
that maybe no one really makes it out alive
#2
Quote by Smith22
CC please? its upbeat. kinda "The Strokes-esque"

other title ideas welcome
___________________________________

So I'm joining the army
She said "You can't be serious, are you?"
Won't you come with me?
She said "Babe, we aren't gonna make it through."

I don't like the way this opens with "So I'm joining the army". It sounds too much like casual conversation. If anything, I'd drop the "So". The rest is okay, but it doesn't evoke much emotion.

And now I'm alone
In this life
In this time and place

I like this. Short and simple, but it gets the point across.

And now I'm gone
For this time
Now I'm losing this race

This part isn't so strong. With so little story to go on, it's hard to understand what you mean by "I'm losing this race". It feels like you just forced it for the rhyme.

So now I'm leaving
They said "He can't help but be curious, aren't you?"
and now I'm feeling
All these things that mankind makes us do

I don't get what you're trying to say here. It just doesn't seem to make sense after the first verse.

And now I'm sick
In my brain
In my state of mind

The second line doesn't sound right to me. The rest is okay, but again, you're not really saying much.

And now I'm lost
Away
I'm losing this time

Second line feels like filler, and the rest is hard to make sense of because of a lack of information.

I want to be something better
Than myself, than myself oh

I like this part. You're finally saying something with your words.

I want to do something bigger
Than just wealth, that just wealth oh

"I want to do something bigger than just wealth" sounds strange. I think you need to change the wording to make more grammatical sense. Also, the sudden anti-money message feels out of place here because there's no mention of it elsewhere in the song.

And now I'm fading
I'm doing all I can to survive
And now I'm saying
that maybe no one really makes it out alive

"I'm fading" is such an overused phrase that it doesn't have any power anymore. I suggest changing it. "And now I'm saying" sounds bad, and again, I think you used it to force the rhyme. The last line is powerful though.


Overall, this feels really empty. You need to give more information. It's hard to tell what you're really trying to say because of a lack of any real story or imagery; it's more or less a collection of lines that are somewhat related, but not enough so to get a point across.

I think that if you clean this up and try to clarify your message, this could be a pretty solid song.

Care to critique my piece "Fingerpaint"? There's a link in my signature.