#1
remember we went to portmarnock
and i took that picture on the beach
and you looked so beautiful
even if it was ruined by a light leak
later i watched your finger trace roads
on a wrinkled wet map
now you're fuucking someone who
doesn't even like your favorite band
#2
Quote by Dylan_
remember we went to portmarnock
and i took that picture on the beach
and you looked so beautiful
even if it was ruined by a light leak
later i watched your finger trace roads
on a wrinkled wet map
now you're fuucking someone who
doesn't even like your favorite band


I'm not sure about using Portmarnock; I don't think it's a well-enough known place to be so specific about. The thing is most people won't get any mental image by reading that (I had to google it just to know it was in Ireland). I suggest changing it to something more relatable or less specific.

"Light leak" sounds bad on the ears and doesn't roll off the tongue very well. I would change it to something that sounds smoother but means the same thing (flow is more important than rhyme.)

The last two lines are interesting, but I would lose the vulgarity and use "sleeping with" instead. In some cases, vulgar words can help a piece, but I don't think that's the case here.

Overall, this was alright. I don't think the word choice is good enough for such a short piece, so I suggest picking this over with a fine-tooth comb until every word is perfect -OR- make it longer. If you have to lose the rhymes to make it flow better, do it. The rhymes really don't help the piece; if anything, they're hurting it because of poor word choice.

Polish this up and it could be much more interesting to read. In its current state, it doesn't do much for me.

EDIT: On a side note, I don't usually comment on titles, but I rather liked the title of this piece. It's a relatable and somewhat humorous statement.

Last edited by Winter Sky at Jul 27, 2011,