#1
familiar smells make me wonder how quickly we morph
(vanilla sugar you loved from a girl long ago
i avoided it to keep from being owned)
(her warm, almost rotten skin
like the smell of a scalp in the summer sun
overwrought and steaming with endless thought)
(the cologne i bought for you many years ago
and the bones i yearned to jump when catching tides of it from strangers
as i missed your mouth and tongue and love)
so where did i go? the girl of the past,
eyes bright and sad as the call of a crow
(how i did miss things so - laying in bed, head filled
with spaces i had once found familiar)
now spaces are just spaces
and days are just days
and sadness is something that simply melts away in a cigarette
a cup of coffee
a gaze into any pair of beautiful eyes
a few pretty words put together well
a graceful dance of a kite floating on
and on and on and on...


i hope i can still show you that i care
though my voice doesn't falter and i only cry from repression
im sorry i dont cry for you
it comes hard these days
im sorry i dont cry for things
i guess it just seems silly
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#2
This is one of your more tangible pieces, and I really really like it.

It just feels more honest and real, not built up with metaphors. It's a familiar feeling, and I felt like the switch in the first stanza from the memories to how things really are is adequate. It came across as a sobering into reality that comes when the romanticism leaves your head and you're left with life as it is.

Idk, that's what I got from it anyways.

Very nice.
#3
I enjoyed this. It took me a couple tries to power through the beginning, though. However, in the first stanza, from "So where did I go?" until the end of that stanza, that stuff there was gold. It flowed so beautifully, and I could just feel this sense of build up. It was incredibly well written. The second stanza wasn't my favorite though. I don't know. It just. Didn't seem to go with the flow of the rest of the piece.

Overall, I really enjoyed this. I think there's a lot you could do with it. The more I read the beginning, the more I enjoy it. But the last stanza just doesn't do it for me. The ending just doesn't hold up to how well written the rest of the piece is. Good work though. If you have time, could you take a look at the top link in my sig? Thanks.
#4
thanks guys. the end is meant to be out of character, stark, unimpressive - it mirrors how this conversation might go with a loved one, and there are a few loved ones to whom this is addressed. however i can see why it might not read off very well - I'll work on it.

I'll get back to your pieces, sorry I've been slacking xoxox
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#5
The switch worked perfectly to illustrate your point, I wouldn't say it didn't read very well.
#6
Always love reading your stuff, even if I don't post on it. This is probably one of my favorite pieces from you. The one thing I didn't like about this was "the days are just days" - seems too cliche for me. But that's only a personal thing from me, that was brilliant. Great job.

I just posted a piece I'd like you to look at if you have time - And the life depleted as it makes its way
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#7
great stuff saadia. this had your signature flare and penchant for day-in-the-life images. i thought this had a great flow; it kept my eyes rolling down the page, reading more. wasn't a big fan of "gaze into a pair of beautiful eyes" because i feel like it's too easy. you're such a master of manipulating phrases into something unique and i just feel like you could do so much more.

i too thought the transition between stanzas and voices was nicely done. this was all-around good stuff
here, My Dear, here it is