#1
(She's dead you see her ghost)
it's a little different, kind of a dark acoustic thing I'm going for with low vocals. Just posting cuz I thought it was different.

Title: my desire breeds your end * **


I thought I saw you standing
Next, To the mirror
You broke with your anger
I saw your figure

You left but a trail
Through out, My mind
You left it behind
Truth you were blind

Fear breeds my anger
Fear breeds this whole

I saw a ghostly figure
Standing behind the blind
Behind my mind
You can not hide your hand
Bloody to the floor
You don't Hurt anymore

Fear breeds my anger
My hand breaks your bones
It breeds my anger
It breeds my...


I saw a ghostly figure
Standing behind the blind
Behind my mind
You can not hide your hand
Bloody to the floor
You don't Hurt anymore


**
#2
Quote by misfitsramones
(She's dead you see her ghost)
it's a little different, kind of a dark acoustic thing I'm going for with low vocals. Just posting cuz I thought it was different.

Title: my desire breeds your end * **


I thought I saw you standing
Next, To the mirror
You broke with your anger
I saw your figure

Not bad, but the last line could easily be replaced with something more interesting because it's just repeating the idea from the first line.

You left but a trail
Through out, My mind
You left it behind
Truth you were blind

I don't like the triple rhyme here; it feels corny. Also, the last line is a little cliche and dull.

Fear breeds my anger
Fear breeds this whole

Not bad, but not great. "Fear breeds my anger" is a pretty cliche line.

I saw a ghostly figure
Standing behind the blind
Behind my mind
You can not hide your hand
Bloody to the floor
You don't Hurt anymore

Again, too much rhyming here, especially in lines 2 and 3. Even worse, you used the same words to rhyme that you used in the other stanza. Content-wise, it's not bad, but it doesn't progress the piece much either.

Fear breeds my anger
My hand breaks your bones
It breeds my anger
It breeds my...

Not a fan of "My hand breaks your bones". I think it's too straightforward and you could probably think of a more interesting way to say the same thing.

I saw a ghostly figure
Standing behind the blind
Behind my mind
You can not hide your hand
Bloody to the floor
You don't Hurt anymore


**


Overall, it's a little dark and violent for my taste, but I tried to look past that and give you an objective critique. It's a bit cliche, and the plot doesn't progress much throughout the piece; you kind of just said the same things in slightly different ways over and over. Try to expand on the idea a bit.
#3
Looking back over it I totally agree with your comments.
I feel like I found 10 ways to say the same thing. I'm gunna redo this. Thanks man