#1
C4C, as always.

I filled a bottle with my sweat
and it meant nothing at the time;
I just had better things to do
than write poetry with rhymes
or talk philosophy among tedious strangers
and tedious friends.

Sometimes I wish I were a tree
so I wouldn't need to have friends;
I'd just stand tall
and sip on sunshine all day,
ignoring any birds who tried to speak to me
by pretending to be deaf.

I would reach skywards,
trying to catch clouds in my branches for fun,
and I'd wish my leaves were hands
so I could grab at them better.

The sunlight felt like electromagnets
and radio static on my face this morning,
reminding me that the sun doesn't mean to sustain us
but to claim us as casualties of chance;
it made me sweat.
#2
Great piece.

It was really interesting how you personified your escapism from everything and everyone, and how you chose a tree of all things. The last stanza brought it to a nice close, especially with the irrelevant feel of "it made me sweat." Obviously it was relevant, but it wasn't expected right there, and was a nice quirky way to end things on.

The only detraction would be the third stanza. It felt clumsy, the way the ideas came out and didn't have the same feeling as the rest of it. Hardly complaining though.
#3
The third stanza served the specific purpose of going from the idea of wishing I were a tree to the idea of being a tree who wishes for human hands, but it seems I might have squeezed in that transition of ideas at the cost of tone or flow. I'll give it some thought and see if I can't make it smoother.

Thank you for the critique.
#4
I know it's cliche to say something had great imagery, but I seriously felt myself wanting to stretch and pretend my arms were covered in leaves. Awesome.
OBEY THE MIGHTY SHITKICKER
#5
This is one of my favorite pieces from you. Amazing job. I agree with Blake - the unanticipated last line was a great way to tie it all together.

"so I could grab at them better." didn't sit all that well with me though...perhaps it's the use of "better".
But anyway, sweet stuff.
#6
Quote by Winter Sky


I filled a bottle with my sweat
and it meant nothing at the time;
I just had better things to do
than write poetry with rhymes
or talk philosophy among tedious strangers
and tedious friends.

I wish you had chopped off the last two lines and ended on the rhyme. A) it reads smoother, as the last two lines don't really seem to fit with the flow and add little content, B) the irony of not having time to write in rhymes really hits if you end on the rhyme.

Sometimes I wish I were a tree
so I wouldn't need to have friends;
I'd just stand tall
and sip on sunshine all day,
ignoring any birds who tried to speak to me
by pretending to be deaf.

I think you can drop "to have" in line two... a lot of this piece begs for some whittling down so that it is more efficient in the words. Like dropping, "all day" as well. By cutting this down so that the images are more precise, you give more definite solid pictures without the extraneous that we're already inferring. I mean... when was the last time a tree was like, "fuck it, that's enough sun for today. I need to get in the shade."

I would reach skywards,
trying to catch clouds in my branches for fun,
and I'd wish my leaves were hands
so I could grab at them better.

Need more whittling. Drop "for fun," Drop "I'd," we know it's you as a tree... you said so in line 1. I don't like the last line... there is something... to childish about it. I feel like this is a place where you let your image down by not attacking it with the same brush you've been using. You could go with, "pinch them between my thumb and finger" or something that paints a distinct picture.

The sunlight felt like electromagnets
and radio static on my face this morning,
reminding me that the sun doesn't mean to sustain us
but to claim us as casualties of chance;
it made me sweat.

I don't like your last line. I feel like coming full-circle does nothing for the piece here and instead brings it down to a point where you are compromising the "aha!" of the thought process. I think you'd be better off tossing the last line and breaking after "us" in the next to last line. Like so:

"but to claim us;
as casualties of chance."

It adds a sense of finality that I find appealing... as well as the double "us" lines have a great ebb and flow to them. The semi-colon, to me at least, gives a wonderful tense pause that leads to a greater flourish at the end. Tis' just a suggestion, but from where I'm sitting it delivers your message more fully.




I did enjoy this though... it's a nice quiet moment that lends a lovely thought to my day. It reads even better when I read it while listening to this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JpMepdsHY7s&NR=1 Gives me a nice pairing of music and thought.

Anyways, thanks for getting to mine. Cheers.
Last edited by ZanasCross at Aug 1, 2011,
#7
ZanasCross:

While I agree that the rhyme idea would hit harder if I'd ended on the rhyme, I feel like it would render the first stanza irrelevant. Without those last two lines to bring up the next idea, I'd be left trying to rationalize the presence of that stanza in the first place.

I also agree that some of the words you pointed out are a bit useless. I'll run over this soon and cut it down a bit.

In regards to the last line, again, I feel like it's exclusion would hurt the relevance of the first stanza, the importance of which is questionable as it is. If I were to remove both the last line as well as the last two lines of the first stanza, what would be the point of the first stanza at all?

Thank you for the in-depth critique. It's always a treat to get another writer's perspective to work with.
#8
Personally, I feel like the first stanza is totally irrelevant as it is. It serves as an introduction, lead-in, thing... but I really don't feel like it delivers anything to your content. I struggled for a while with whether I felt it delivered enough to remain there... I decided not to comment because I felt it was up to you... but now, even you are admitting that you are keeping it there even though it serves little to no purpose.

I think you could certainly get away with removing the last line and the whole first stanza... which could streamline your content; though you would sacrifice the rhyme line, it would make your whole piece much stronger.

Just a thought.
#10
"Sometimes I wish I were a tree
so I wouldn't need to have friends;
I'd just stand tall
and sip on sunshine all day,
ignoring any birds who tried to speak to me
by pretending to be deaf."

Pretty cool you wrote a peice about a tree's perspective. Tree's have stood tall for hundreds of years providing life around the surrounding enviroment. I feel with the negativity in the world, media, etc i feel that a tree is a postive aspect in life. Standing tall and still and escaping the frenziness in life.
#11
I'm really curious to what that bottle of sweat means to you now.

And the second first goes hard, yo.
#12
jod23: Thanks. Trees are a common theme in much of my writing because of my personal philosophies regarding the modern world. Trees rule.

Dmaj7: The "bottle of my sweat" thing is a metaphor for bottling up my struggles, anxieties, etc.

"And the second first goes hard, yo."

What? I have no idea what you mean by that.
Last edited by Winter Sky at Aug 2, 2011,
#13
Quote by Winter Sky
jod23: Thanks. Trees are a common theme in much of my writing because of my personal philosophies regarding the modern world. Trees rule.

Dmaj7: The "bottle of my sweat" thing is a vague metaphor for bottling up my struggles, anxieties, etc.

"And the second verse goes hard, yo."

What? I have no idea what you mean by that.


My bad,

The second verse was written well.
#15
Quote by Winter Sky
Oh, okay. I had a feeling that might be what you meant, but I wasn't sure. Thank you.


Just trying to talk like a ganster.
#17
Nice. Really, good job. It's poetic and original and goes outside of the norm in terms of lyrics writing. It's really something you don't see enough anymore.

Especially this line:


Sometimes I wish I were a tree
so I wouldn't need to have friends;


Great job. Keep it up, I guess.