#1
right... I've been playing guitar about a year now but I've listened to tons of music and practiced a lot so idk I'm pretty satisfied of where I am right now, probably would have been better by now if there was anyone at all to jam with in my area :p
so I'm gonna be blunt honest about these lyrics, they came to me while watching porn I just thought, "wow, is it really worth it? I mean look at her, she's crying, why is she even doing this? she's being abused in every way and yet it's her job and she's fine with it..." so the first verse is more like pitying actresses like that, then while writing I thought, "why pitying her? she's done it to herself, to hell with her" so I turned it around and ended up writing the rest of the song, including the chorus, about the pathetic TV "stars" here in Romania and all those identical-looking bimbos on the streets. they really make me angry and I see them as a cancer, there really is nothing feminine about them, they're just a grotesque parody of everything a woman and a human being is supposed to be, mainly a self-respecting entity.
now, keeping in mind I started writing about porn actresses :p, the original chorus was:
"Just another satisfaction tool
A dangerous game for a dangerous fool
Just another satisfaction tool
The most beautiful game has no rule"
(the game being sex and to some extent porn industry, though it's probably only beautiful for the males and the ones behind the marketing and the cameras)
alright, just a few more things and then feel free to read my drafts.
first of all, I'm looking for a title, since "slice of the pie" just sounds so cliche. change the chorus if you will, but keep in mind it's mocking angry and despising, but a little subtler than, say, typical thrash lyrics (I wrote the song for it to be kind of like a glam metal/hard rock thing).
then, I don't know if that actually matters, just wanted to point it out, the first line of the second verse is a tribute to both old GN'R and Hanoi Rocks :p
alright, that's it. I hope to get help and feedback from you guys. also feel free to move the topic if I posted in the wrong section. thanks a lot

"You've blazed through life at such a fast pace
Running, shouting, never seem to find a place
But did you really have to do what you've done
You may think you're unique but baby you're not the only one

You think you've got a slice of the pie
But you don't know what is true
You think you'll get a slice of the pie
But they're just lying to you

Welcome to the jungle, welcome to the sea
You may like it baby but it ain't no place for me
This ain't my battle, this ain't my game
After all it's you alone who ruined your good name

You think you've got a slice of the pie
But you don't know what is true
You think you'll get a slice of the pie
But they're just lying to you

You and your kind, a herd of sneaky rats
Strutting around like a bunch of spoiled brats
I've had enough of you, why not just leave
You're not the only one with an ace up your sleeve"
#2
I quite like your original chorus man, you should try and incorporate that back into the song in my opinion, then you could call the song "A Dangerous Game" or something?
It's all up to you though, I'm no writer by any means
All the best
#3
i love your honesty, i feel like opening up now! so i was watching my boss' shop for him as he went to make a delivery across town and i was so horny, i invited my girlfriend into the shop and closed the shop and we canoodled in the back of the shop :L anyway yh theyre not bad lyrics man, keep rocking!
#4
@cocopopz: cool story, bro

@topic: I really like the lyrics and I think the orginal chorus is better, too
Last edited by Weirdbag at Jul 29, 2011,
#5
@cocopopz: haha, that's awesome man! thanks for the kind words :p

@joe: nice one, pal. yes, I think that's exactly what I'm gonna do. sounds great, thanks

overall thanks for your feedback, really appreciate it
#6
"Just another satisfaction tool
A dangerous game for a dangerous fool
Just another satisfaction tool
The most beautiful game has no rule"
Your first draft chorus is good apart from the last line: "most beautiful game" evokes football. "Most dangerous" would perhaps be better here.

"... has no rule": the rhyme sounds forced. You could ease it a bit by changing it to "... rules"


"You've blazed through life at such a fast pace
Running, shouting, never seem to find a place
But did you really have to do what you've done
You may think you're unique but baby you're not the only one

You think you've got a slice of the pie
But you don't know what is true
You think you'll get a slice of the pie
But they're just lying to you"
The draft chorus is better. This might be useable as a bridge.

"Welcome to the jungle, welcome to the sea
You may like it baby but it ain't no place for me
This ain't my battle, this ain't my game
After all it's you alone who ruined your good name"
I don't know exactly how your words will scan in the song, but I think they would be stronger if you made them punchier. Take the last line. What about "After all it's you that trashed your name"? But I can't tell whether the scansion is correct without the melody.

"You and your kind, a herd of sneaky rats"
Bad simile. You don't get 'herds' of rats. 'Hoards' maybe, with a partial pun with "W H O R E". 'Sneaky' is a bit lame. Something stronger: 'skanky'?

"Strutting around like a bunch of spoiled brats
I've had enough of you, why not just leave
You're not the only one with an ace up your sleeve"
Awful cliche and forced rhyme on the last line (unless there's some ironic reference here). It's hard to rhyme with 'leave', so maybe find a synonym.

Hope this helps!
Last edited by Jehannum at Jul 31, 2011,
#7
uhm, let's see...
1) yeah, maybe that's because I am personally not a football fan so it doesn't come to mind at all when talking about games. probably it would come to mind to the average listener/reader just like it came to you.
2) the bridge, nice idea. thanks for the hint there
3) I actually do have a melody, only that when I try to write it down as music, I can never make it sound just like in my mind. and with that melody your line sounds... I don't know, sloppy? it just doesn't fit in it.
4) right, hoards! while writing I couldn't remember what *many* rats where called, so I just went with herds. thanks man :P nah, sneaky has a precise meaning there. I just hate how those airheads will talk trash behind your back and lie to you. I'd much rather hang with someone who's honest and in-your-face. if they don't like me, then I'd rather they told me so I don't waste my time. that line addresses this particular characteristic alone. plus "skanky" just doesn't sound good at all, to me.
5) to be honest, I actually think those two lines are the weakest, so I'm gonna change them anyway. maybe I'll use your suggestion.

thanks a lot man, this is what I've been looking for :P
#8
I really like what you got going on with that original chorus. i don't have much more to say besides keep it up.
~Mikky