#1
Basically, it's a song I've been writing for a while now. I have music to go with it, but I'm just not sure on the lyrics. I don't want to get to the end and have to change it all if people think it's sub-standard. Any changes I make after criticism / comments will help me keep the tone right for the next few verses and chorus. I only have two verses so far. Thank very much guys, greatly appreciated.


You waste your time spreading paint on your face

So others look upon you with a smile and a little grace

But what you don't see is the talk behind your back

And how the others are planning a course of attack


-------

I know when you started here, everyone was your friend

But i'll never understand how you did what you did to them

We all know time can heal but its unable to undo

Now you gotta start from scratch, must be feeling pretty blue



That's it so far :p
Last edited by Sladey at Jul 29, 2011,
#2
I think the first two lines have a lot of potential. Quite accurate I must say....

The rest of it sounds rather immature....not necessarily because of your content but because of the rhyme. I feel like I'm getting into it, but I wince at the forced flow of the rhyme.

Different people have their own opinions about rhymes, but I'm not particularly fond of them.

That said, don't give up on this. I sense a story behind your generic rambling. Go into more detail. Definition! Color! I want this to speak to me, not talk at me.

Great start with the first two lines. Go back to them, re-work it from there and make sure you post the results!

Looking forward to it.
#3
Hi Sladey,

I agree with Leila. The first two lines had me hooked. Not to say the rest was bad just that especially the first line "You waste your time spreading paint on your face" left me wanting to know:

who is/was this person?

why are they spreading paint on their face?

Is this a clown or a lady/man applying makeup?


You have set up in the listeners mind wanting to know more, wanting to find out how the story goes with why do 'others look upon you with a smile and a little grace." but at this stage it doesn't really go anywhere.

Bear in mind the answers don't necessarily have to come in the 1st verse. Like a good story line or a plot to a movie you can keep them guessing to the end if you want.

Play around with it like Leila suggested and I know you've got the making of a great song there.
Commit to Mastery!


Allen Hopgood
#4
Okay thanks for the praise on the first two lines, I'll work on it a lot over the weekend. I really want it to stand out.

Thanks again.
#5
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching