#1
Staring at you;
through your broken fingers,
eyes barely peaking out.
beacons of light flow forward
my gaze is there to return.

between all the others,
do you think going to other way
is the right thing to do?

Is it enough?!
to stand all alone
Is it enough?

Arms at your side
and life washing away
Is it enough?
#2
A little disjointed and barren but not bad. Mostly I get the feel that this is a skeleton of a piece and needs to be fleshed up a bit.
Quote by scguitarking927
Staring at you;
through your broken fingers,
eyes barely peaking out.
beacons of light flow forward
my gaze is there to return.
This first stanza sets everything up, but still feels hollow. Really think about it, what are you trying to say by "beacons of light"? Are you just fluffing it up with empty imagery? I get that feeling while reading this.
between all the others,
do you think going to other way
is the right thing to do?I think you're missing a word or two in the second line, as it kinda robs the stanza of its meaning.

Is it enough?!
to stand all alone
Is it enough?
Wasn't a fan of the "?!" especially because the question mark placement leaves out half the question.
Arms at your side
and life washing away
Is it enough?"Arms at your side" seems to be the only thing that means something here. That whoever you're talking about is just letting things go by without attempting to change or try or whatever. Still, the meaning is left completely ambiguous.


I feel that a lot of the ideas you started need to be elaborated on, because it's hard to tell what you're talking about, or even why you're talking about it in the first place. I think it could use a little revision and addition.
#3
Quote by blake1221
A little disjointed and barren but not bad. Mostly I get the feel that this is a skeleton of a piece and needs to be fleshed up a bit.


I feel that a lot of the ideas you started need to be elaborated on, because it's hard to tell what you're talking about, or even why you're talking about it in the first place. I think it could use a little revision and addition.


thanks for the post, I literally just free wrote this, so it's jumbled and just the "first take". I'm working on a revision
#4
It definitely gives itself away as a "first take" but most pieces do before being polished and revised. My thoughts on this pretty much mirror everything blake had to say about it. You just need to put some flesh on these bones and really bring it to life.