#1

This is a song I've been working on. I understand that it's kind of rhyme-y, but it really does make sense with the vibe of the song. I typically am not a strong proponent for rhyme-y sorts of things - but this is supposed to have the vibe of a campfire sing-a-long, and fit somehow.

Emerald City

If we'd never followed the Yellow Brick Road
We'd never have found this Emerald City
But when we found the road, we found it overgrown
And the rest turned around
The rest said, "What a pity,"
Hung their heads, walked away, "What a pity."

We strayed from the path a time or two
Though the way wasn't easy to lose.
In time, that walk would turn to a crawl
As our feet blistered over,
And we had holes in our shoes;
We had holes in the soles of our shoes.

We finally reached the Emerald City
Certain it would be a sight to behold
But the Wizard's been dead for a long time now
And the Horse of Many Colours
Is growing old;
Oh that horse, she's growing so old.

Namesake emeralds have vanished too;
Looters have taken the lot.
And no one could find smiles for free anywhere
'Cause everyone knows
They have to be bought;
We all know smiles have to be bought.

We became disillusioned by fairytales
When we reached that end of the Yellow Brick Road
And we all fumbled
For a happy ending
Because we just wished one could be told;
But there was never one to be told.

Last edited by ThePhanastasio at Jul 31, 2011,
#2
i really like it! it has a great flow, and is definitely ballad-ish. i really like how it ended as well, it has very conclusive feeling.

the only lines i have an issue with are
But when we found the road, we found it overgrown
And the rest turned around

Im not sure what it is, but i cant seem to get it to flow right in my mind. the first of those just doesnt feel right, and the second just sounds short. there are other lines short like that, but this one to me was the only one that felt short when i read it. without a song to hear with it or the actual beat, i could be wrong though!

perhaps you could grace me with a little advice on mine too =D i have a problem getting mine to feel like it flows well
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1464442