#1
crit4crit
I INHERITED THE WORLD AT THE APOCALYPSE

My lungs embrace the smoke
Of arsonist fire,
I'm smirking down at Heaven
'Cause right now I stand higher.
Burning down their neighborhoods
To make room for my kingdom,
Laughing at their funerals
I'm the meaning of freedom.

But the Beast of Revelations
And his black hole appetite,
Shall be filled with just desserts
And end up roadkill on the ides.
The size of your antlers does not matter
In a world full of hunters,
Even the most ferocious beast
Needs one shot to be put under.

There's seven deadly sins
But I'm sure I invented more,
I'm not some sort of devil
I'm just an attention wh0re.
And who the hell needs friends
When you have my kind of clout,
Besides my name sounds sweeter
Coming out the enemies mouth.

But the Beast of Revelations
And his black hole appetite,
Shall be filled with just desserts
And end up roadkill on the ides.
The size of your antlers does not matter
In a world full of hunters,
Even the most ferocious beast
Needs one shot to be put under.

Who will save you from your savior?
Who will watch the watchmen?
God in steadfast anger,
Or Satan in anticipation?
You better pray you're paschal lamb
Has a enough wool on its coat,
To make a fireproof blanket
That covers your entire home.
Last edited by themarsvolta at Aug 3, 2011,
#2
I'm enjoying your God Series

I liked this piece especially for all the one liner zingers you have.
"The size of your antlers does not but matter
In a world full of hunters,"
"There's seven deadly sins
But I'm sure I invented more,
I'm not some sort of devil
I'm just an attention *****."

This was probably the best though.
"You better pray you're paschal lamb
Has a enough wool on its coat,
To make a fireproof blanket
That covers your entire home."

A lot of great imagery here, man. This wasn't just rehashed Devil/God/End times metaphors, it was a good spin on things. I really enjoyed it.

If you wouldn't mind checking out "Obscure Reference" I'd appreciate it. It's on the first page.
#3
The first two lines set the tone for the rest of the piece. Solid.
There's a lot of witty things in here specifically the seven deadly sins part.
It still works but I could see how referring to yourself as "a deer... headlights" and following with "The size of your antlers" could be awkward to read. It leaves this lingering idea that we're both beasts. If that's what you were going for, congratulations.

Lastly, I feel the following would have ended the piece stronger and quite frankly I wish it had come to close with this.
Has a enough wool on its coat,
To make a fireproof blanket
That covers your entire home.

Fire blanket made out of wool? ha.
Promises meant a lot back then.
Last edited by ninja monkey at Aug 1, 2011,
#4
Not a fan of it, imo, just not a metal head like most people are on here, I'm a blues, and rock kind of guy.
#5
It's great you're still knocking about and teaching some of these kids how to just go out and write lyrics.

Grand.
#6
I really, really liked this. It wasn't overdone and had what felt like organic one liners instead of ones where the author went back and intentionally put them in his/her piece. That being said, I felt that this stanza, was really poorly constructed and didnt have the same organic feel as the others:

I am the Beast of Revelations
With a never-ending appetite,
But tomorrow I'll be road kill
Just a deer caught in the headlights.
The size of your antlers does not matter
In a world full of hunters,
Who cares how many sluts you fu cked
When you're hated by your own mother?

I just wasnt feeling that stanza at all, though I did like what you were trying to get across, I'd suggest a rewrite here to be honest. Other than that however, I thoroughly enjoyed the other stanzas present and felt they had an incredibly natural flowing quality to them. Well done!

C4C? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1466740
Too lazy to come up with a clever or relevant sig.
#7
Something about the title of this poems title bothers me. It just doesn't "flow" with me, it seems blocky and abrupt. Personally I would change the title to "I inherited the worlds end" or "I inherited the end of the world"
#8
He didn't inherit the end of the world though, he inherited the world just when it was ending.

Quite the distinction.
#9
i think the deer in the headlights line is just a bit boring really, it drags down the vibe of the whole verse/chorus. if these are lyrics though then i can't really comment. melody has a habit of making cliches sound great and the greatest lines sound shit. so i might be all for that.

i thought it was pretty solid the whole way through, couple of standout lines ("besdes, my name sounds sweeter coming out the enemies mouth"). enjoyed it man.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1466272 quick comment would be appreciated.
#11
Quote by blake1221
He didn't inherit the end of the world though, he inherited the world just when it was ending.

Quite the distinction.

How about "I inherited the worlds end" then?
#12
"But the Beast of Revelations
And his black hole appetite,
Shall be filled with just desserts
And end up roadkill on the ides.
The size of your antlers does not matter
In a world full of hunters,"

this part was amazing. loved it.

The f cking sluts part i felt like was unnecessary but It depends on your vision for the piece. I like how you sort of flipped around the biblical imagery you used. "Just Desserts" and the like were pretty clever. Crafty point of view and whatnot.
I believe in Rock and Roll. Can I get an Amen?

Quote by rizo299
A drunk guy on the the bus asked me if i remembered the 60's. I told him i was 17 then he told me that everyone remembers the 60's.

I thought about it, and frankly, I couldn't fault his logic.