to see a man just fall apart,
& leave his up in different places
to see a man just lose his heart
and start to collect younger faces

and know that, still, you spoke too soon,
(to watch the mountains of the sky
so black) against the rising moon

to be someone you wish you weren't
as years and years just pass you by
to know: that you just never will
but still to try, and try. and try

to turn around, but not look back!
halfhearted as the case may be.
to see a man just fall apart
and, shhhhhhh (descend into the sea)
First of all thank you for the crit. I appreciate it. I really liked the flow of this piece. It hyad a very good rhythm. To me, this piece almost borders on cliche, but I don't mean that in a bad mean. I mean you're a good enough writer that you can take cliches and turn them into something original and very emotional if I may add. The only thing that bothered me was the "leave his up". I'm not quite sure what you mean there. Anyways, solid piece, nice job, man.
Alex, this is great stuff. I'm with themarsvolta in that I'm not sure what "to leave his up" means. At first, I was not a fan of the line that was in all caps, but as I read it a few more times that really grew on me. I actually really like that part now. And the exclamation point in the last stanza. Good job working with the smaller things to give it a big feel. (If that makes sense.) Anyway, good work.

(Also, my name's Bri. I don't know if I ever told you that.)