#1
C4C. I don't really know what this is. I'd be glad to hear what you all thought, though.

Devil's in the barnyard, pickup pickup.
Saturday sleeper must get up, getup.
So tired of a scarlet song,
played out 'til our ears go numb.

Plucked from the nest and stuffed in a bag,
Ghost shot dead for hiding in the egg.
Rise up now and take your bed;
Sunday's the day when the ghosts are fed.

Tell them that they will be alright.
Tell them that they will live sometime.
Tell them that they will be alright.
The Sunday Ghosts will live sometime.
I believe in Rock and Roll. Can I get an Amen?

Quote by rizo299
A drunk guy on the the bus asked me if i remembered the 60's. I told him i was 17 then he told me that everyone remembers the 60's.

I thought about it, and frankly, I couldn't fault his logic.
#2
haha thats so much cooler than what i was thinking.
I believe in Rock and Roll. Can I get an Amen?

Quote by rizo299
A drunk guy on the the bus asked me if i remembered the 60's. I told him i was 17 then he told me that everyone remembers the 60's.

I thought about it, and frankly, I couldn't fault his logic.
#3
Damn, I have to say I loved the flow on this piece. I thought the whole concept was pretty cool. I just have a couple suggestions. Instead of "Saturday Sleeper" I would use a word that suggests the person has been a sleep for a long time (Rip Van Wynkle, Sleeping Beauty, Eternal Sleeper) or that the person is dead (which would tie into the whole ghost thing you have going on). I just think it would strengthen that line. Also, "scarlet song" really didn't do anything for me. I mean, it sounds pretty, but that's it. I say that this is a place where you should be straightforward and say what you mean, instead of disguising it in a metaphor. Other than that, there's really nothing else I would change. You did a great job here, man.

Crit mine please
I Inherited the World at the Apocalypse
Last edited by themarsvolta at Aug 1, 2011,
#5
Quote by AngryGoldfish
No "C4C" in titles please.


ok gotcha! sorry.
I believe in Rock and Roll. Can I get an Amen?

Quote by rizo299
A drunk guy on the the bus asked me if i remembered the 60's. I told him i was 17 then he told me that everyone remembers the 60's.

I thought about it, and frankly, I couldn't fault his logic.
#6
Quote by themarsvolta
Damn, I have to say I loved the flow on this piece. I thought the whole concept was pretty cool. I just have a couple suggestions. Instead of "Saturday Sleeper" I would use a word that suggests the person has been a sleep for a long time (Rip Van Wynkle, Sleeping Beauty, Eternal Sleeper) or that the person is dead (which would tie into the whole ghost thing you have going on). I just think it would strengthen that line. Also, "scarlet song" really didn't do anything for me. I mean, it sounds pretty, but that's it. I say that this is a place where you should be straightforward and say what you mean, instead of disguising it in a metaphor. Other than that, there's really nothing else I would change. You did a great job here, man.

Crit mine please
I Inherited the World at the Apocalypse



Thanks! I agree with "scarlet song" I think I didn't put much effort in there. I'm about to check yours out.
I believe in Rock and Roll. Can I get an Amen?

Quote by rizo299
A drunk guy on the the bus asked me if i remembered the 60's. I told him i was 17 then he told me that everyone remembers the 60's.

I thought about it, and frankly, I couldn't fault his logic.