#1
We lie in the sun
breaking the butterfly mold
splitting hairs and breaking teeth
forever young we were told

Living life like a lullaby
running through the fields
searching for rainbows
looking to feel

cold cold hearts
try and make you feel old
like you've been bought and sold
bought and sold

cold cold hearts
try and make me old
someday I'll have to fold
have to fold

Untouched realities
Getting ripped from the seams
stolen dreams and identities
replaced to meet the means

We lust for emotions
that have been bleached and cleaned
we're the same as one another
all traces are unseen

cold cold hearts
try and make you feel old
like you've been bought and sold
bought and sold

cold cold hearts
try and make me old
someday I'll have to fold
have to fold


First attempt at writing. Opinions?
#2
Quote by RGallagherFan
We lie in the sun
breaking the butterfly mold
splitting hairs and breaking teeth
forever young we were told -Just reminded me of that awful song

Living life like a lullaby
running through the fields
searching for rainbows
looking to feel -Did not like the rhyming there at all

cold cold hearts
try and make you feel old
like you've been bought and sold -Not a huge fan of this chorus thing
bought and sold

cold cold hearts
try and make me old -Same with this one. A bit too cliched for me
someday I'll have to fold
have to fold

Untouched realities
Getting ripped from the seams -Interesting imagery
stolen dreams and identities
replaced to meet the means

We lust for emotions
that have been bleached and cleaned
we're the same as one another
all traces are unseen -Traces of?

cold cold hearts
try and make you feel old
like you've been bought and sold
bought and sold

cold cold hearts
try and make me old
someday I'll have to fold
have to fold


First attempt at writing. Opinions?


Overall, pretty okay, just those few things I pointed out. Not bad for a first attempt

Keep on writing and you'll only improve.
Last edited by D&DLover at Aug 1, 2011,
#3
Quote by RGallagherFan
We lie in the sun
breaking the butterfly mold
splitting hairs and breaking teeth
forever young we were told

I like this stanza, especially the second line.

Living life like a lullaby
running through the fields
searching for rainbows
looking to feel

Not bad, but it doesn't grab my attention.

cold cold hearts
try and make you feel old
like you've been bought and sold
bought and sold

Nice chorus, catchy and simple.

cold cold hearts
try and make me old
someday I'll have to fold
have to fold

I like this part except for the second line. I would change "and" to "to". The phrase "try and" just sounds improper and sloppy.

Untouched realities
Getting ripped from the seams
stolen dreams and identities
replaced to meet the means

I would change "getting" to "being" in the second line; I think it sounds better. The rest is good.

We lust for emotions
that have been bleached and cleaned
we're the same as one another
all traces are unseen

The third line is a bit cliche. The first two lines are really interesting though.

cold cold hearts
try and make you feel old
like you've been bought and sold
bought and sold

cold cold hearts
try and make me old
someday I'll have to fold
have to fold

A bit weak as an ending line. I would change it to something more powerful, maybe "Because I've been bought and sold" to tie in with the other part of the chorus.

First attempt at writing. Opinions?


Overall, this was pretty good. It's got a nice flow to it and the rhyming was smooth for the most part. My only complaint is that it's a touch cliche, but not overly so. Definitely a solid piece for your first attempt.

Would you mind giving me a quick critique of my latest piece? "Pretending To Be Deaf" in my sig. I'd appreciate it.