#1
Come closer.
You sing off key, but the upside
If you're near me
Is hearing your excited little breaths,
Hidden between phrases that you didn't write
But recite again.

If you were a little closer,
I could see your pupils dilate and shrink,
The song flowing out from you like blood,
A mess of notes and words
That you didn't write,
But that I could write for you,
And would,
If you wouldn't ruin them
By singing off key
Last edited by D&DLover at Aug 14, 2011,
#2
I love it. Really sweet little thing.

Two things I didn't like:
1) Although I love "didn't write, but excitedly recite", the word excitedly seems really weird there. That said, I can't really think of a substitute to express the same feeling that "excitedly" connotes in this context.
2) The entire line "As the song builds to the minor bridge" kind of broke the flow you had going.

That's all though. Great job!
Whether I am a hungry rabbit or a frightened carrot, my home is the same.
#3
Quote by dontstopblevin
I love it. Really sweet little thing.

Two things I didn't like:
1) Although I love "didn't write, but excitedly recite", the word excitedly seems really weird there. That said, I can't really think of a substitute to express the same feeling that "excitedly" connotes in this context.
2) The entire line "As the song builds to the minor bridge" kind of broke the flow you had going.

That's all though. Great job!


Didn't even realize the double "excited". Thanks!
#4
First off, thanks for the crit on my piece, much appreciated.

Secondly, I enjoyed this. It had a nice flow and had just enough imagery to not feel like another little semi-sappy song, which I think is a credit to you as an author. On the last line I felt you really nailed the entire feeling of the piece, it gave me this image of some dude smiling all sweet at his girl laughing in a jokingly annoyed way at something shes doing to piss him off on purpose.

Well done.
Too lazy to come up with a clever or relevant sig.