#1
I hate how i wrote this, but I wasn't going to sleep without doing so.
c4c <3


Let us tackle our lovers and roll
over the junebugs in the grass.
Let their bug bodies squish beneath our
t-shirts and skin as the cicadas buzz.

I told myself I would try to
listen for Jiminy Cricket's chirps.

Let the summer night warm as
we watch the moon fade and pass.
Let us gather ourselves in the warm
morning dew, and cherish the last.
Promises meant a lot back then.
Last edited by ninja monkey at Aug 1, 2011,
#2
I thought this was a very nice short and sweet poem. I really enjoyed reading. There were only a couple of things I would change. "Tackle our lovers". I don't know, I think a word other than "tackle" would work better here. It just reminds me of football and football and lovers would don't go to together in my opinion. Secondly, buggy buddies just sounds too baby-ish. Plus I believe buggy is another word for a carriage. I think even "insect friends" would suffice here. But anyways, great imagery. I really liked this especially the line about Jimmy Cricket. Made me smile. Anyways, nice job, man.

Crit mine please
I Inherited the World at the Apocalypse
Last edited by themarsvolta at Aug 1, 2011,
#3
Hey Ted.

I hated "buggy buddies." It's like a Dr. Seuss book... and how am I supposed to take anything seriously after that.

I liked the Jiminy Cricket line, but hated the placement... it seems incomplete... like it should be tucked into a stanza somewhere. As it is, it seems like some type of dangling modifier to a story that is both above and below it... but not a part of it.

I also hated, "dewy." Something about throwing a 'y' on the end of a noun and using it as an adjective always sets me off (eg. smelly, stinky, etc). It seems lazy... like you couldn't find a work around. I also thought you didn't need "ourselves" in there. I'd just go with, "let us gather in the warm dew of morning" and then your next line. It seems cleaner to me. Just my suggestion.

anyways, welcome backish! I'd appreciate thoughts/a bump on The Mill Stone in my sig.
#4
My girlfriend and I use the phrase tackle every once and a while. It could definitely be presented to be slightly more playful.
I'm not sure if it's any sort of consolation, but I could have sworn I wrote buggy bodies.
Personally, I don't care for that much either.
Dewy does seem lazy especially when there is such an easy fix.

Thanks guys.
Promises meant a lot back then.