#1
AN: Haven't been inspired to write in awhile, but this just hit me and I wanna know what you all think! Thanks for reading and C4C!


Verse1

When this rock hits your window
I hope it cracks and breaks
It would make up for all the times your indifference, gave me the shakes
I've been told that this is just a cliche
A sad ploy I'll pay for on another day
If you said it then I guess its true
We all know your the only one who really has a clue

Chorus

You taught me to be a better liar
You taught me not to scream when I'm on fire
You taught me that you are better
You taught me not to write you letters
You taught me how (x2)

Verse2

When this song hits your speakers
I hope that they blow out
It wouldn't make up for anything except to clear the sky in my personal clouds
But you're too scared to turn them up that loud
Nothings ever going to go right
I can see without the light
I'm a ghost in the dark waiting for you to pick up where you left off

Chorus

Bridge

Caught you again
You lost, I win
(x4)

Chorus


Thanks again for reading guys!
Too lazy to come up with a clever or relevant sig.
Last edited by PCADriven at Aug 3, 2011,
#2
That was a good read! I liked the descriptiveness of it. The chorus really caught my eye, not too sure why, but i love it. I sang the whole thing out loud and it sounded bitchin the way i was singing it.
Overall it was a very nice piece and im looking forward to more of your stuff!
#3
Well, the whole thing felt a little familiar, which isn't really a good thing, but it wasn't bad. The "We all know your the only one who really has a clue" threw off the flow a lot though. I'd change "who really has a" to "with a". Cuts down syllables and it's neater.

Click on the lyrics in my sig if you have some free time to critique
#4
I think the lyrics are solid, it's grown on me with each read through. The only thing I'm unsure about is 'clear the sky in my personal clouds', wouldn't it make more sense if it was 'clear the clouds in my personal sky'? Other than that I like it.

Do you have any ideas on the music because the right choice could really elevate the song.
Viva da Silva!

Songs That I Have Written

Obsession
#5
It's good. It has a good flow and I like the way you tell the story from your own pov like "I can see without the light
I'm a ghost in the dark waiting for you to pick up where you left off". all in all good but maybe not the most deep lyrics.
#6
Quote by PCADriven
AN: Haven't been inspired to write in awhile, but this just hit me and I wanna know what you all think! Thanks for reading and C4C!

Intro

You trashed my heart and slashed my wrists
Sent me spinning down into this deep abyss
Now I'm lost with nowhere to go
And for my efforts I have nothing to show

I don't really like this. It's filled with cliches or close to cliches and doesn't add much to the song as a whole. I think it would be better to cut this and start with the first verse which is much stronger.

Verse1

When this rock hits your window
I hope it cracks and breaks
It would make up for all the times your indifference gave me the shakes
I've been told that this is just a cliche
A sad ploy I'll pay for on another day
If you said it then I guess its true
We all know your the only one who really has a clue This last line is very wordy. I understand if you're trying to meet a syllable count for music you have written for it, but I think there are better ways to say this.

Chorus

You taught me to be a better liar
You taught me not to scream when I'm on fire
You taught me how
You taught me that you are better
You taught me not to write you letters
You taught me how

This isn't too bad. Though the initial "You taught me how" throws off the flow some. I think it might be better to take that out of the middle of the stanza and put it on the end so that it's the four lines, and then you taught me how twice.

Verse2

When this song hits your speakers
I hope that they blow out
It wouldn't make up for anything except to clear the sky in my personal clouds
But you're too scared to turn them up that loud
I don't have time for another stupid fight
I can see without the light
I'm a ghost in the dark waiting for you to pick up where you left off

Definitely not as strong as your first verse. A lot of cliches.

Chorus

Bridge

Caught you again
You lost, I win
(x4)

Chorus


Thanks again for reading guys!


Overall, like someone above me said, this sounds very familiar. That doesn't make it bad. It's not bad at all, actually. But I do think there are ways, particularly in the second verse, to make it sound more original. Good work though. If you get a chance, could you critique something in my sig? Thanks.
#7
First of all thank you for the crit. I appreciate. I really liked the opening lines of the two verses. The entire piece had a good sarcastic tone that I thoroughly enjoyed. With the "personal clouds" line, it would make more sense if you said "of my personal..." instead of "in my personal.." MY biggest complaint with the piece, though is that the flkow seems to be all over the place, particularly on the verses. I mean it probably works when sung, but on paper, it just doesn't jive. Anyways, I hope to read more from you.
#9
Thanks for all the crits guys, preciate it!

I eliminated the into upon looking at it and realizing it was four lines of cliche lol. I also reworked a part of the ending of the second verse, so thanks for everything!
Too lazy to come up with a clever or relevant sig.