#1
Remember honey?
The time we used to comb our hair
And talk about how last night was great?
Even though you didn't even went.

We looked surprised, though I know we used disguises
You did what I said, I did not did what you expect'd
We turned around not quite face to face
And she whispered...

No, I don't want to keep you away
I just want you to buy me some threads
No, I don't need to explain
Although i know it sound confusing, you are not aware yet.

[Cool half-hour bridge with chimes and lutes and dancing leprechauns n' shit]

She said " Tell me I'm wrong. Really?
What was my mistake?
Don't be so kind to yourself,
you weren't that great. "

No, I don't mind to send you tonight
Just return all the "kinds" that made you untie
Yes, I'd like to rephrase
I don't like you anymore, please get out of my show.


I'd love some feedback, I've never been here or shared any lyrics to anyone so a good review is more than welcome.
ROTOPLASTER
#2
I liked it. There were a few strange grammar mistakes throughout that you should look at, but it was pretty cool.
#3
Well hello there, and welcome to S&L. Hope you decide to stick around, this is a great place to get feedback on your writing.

Regarding the piece, first off I have some questions. What's with the tense disagreements?(you didn't even went, i did not did). Is that a stylistic thing that you always do, an error, or does it have some significance to the lyrics?

In writing, whether it's poetry or lyrics, there has to be a logical flow of ideas. Every line, phrase, and thought must feed off of the previous thought and move the story forward in a specific direction. This creates clarity and a smoother flow to your writing. I'll give you an example of what I mean from your piece.

"We looked surprised, though I know we used disguises
You did what I said, I did not did what you expect'd
We turned around not quite face to face
And she whispered..."

By the way, I liked the rhyming of surprised and disguises. However, the next line doesn't derive itself from what you said in the first line. If it does, it's very vague. When you make a statement, use a verb, describe something, you have to do something with that phrase. the fact that you looked surprised has no significance here because you moved straight on and didn't really describe the surprise. I'm sure it makes complete sense to you, because you know exactly what you're writing about. You have to remember that I, the reader/listener, am not in your head.

So one thing to keep in mind next time you write is to try to create a coherent flow of ideas. Re-read it after you write and try to read from the perspective of someone who isn't you. It really can help, and learning to objectively judge your writing is a very important skill to learn(it's not easy!).

I like what you've got going though. You already have what could be a nice style developing. Just remember this: never listen to any comments that don't give you some kind of constructive criticism. You, me, and almost everybody else who posts on this forum are all a long way off from writing something completely perfect. There is always something you can do better. Remember this and you'll turn out to be a great writer.

My name's Aaron. If you have any questions in the future or anything, feel free to PM me and I can help.

Oh, and read this thread, it has a whole bunch of great tips on writing, and personally I think it's an invaluable resource: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=393365

Thanks for posting!
Aaron
Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#4
Quote by Ganoosh
*epic*


It's so good to know there are people who actually care to review other people's writings and criticize, I'll definitely put more carefulness into my writings after reading this. Thanks Aaron.
ROTOPLASTER