#1
Hey, this is my first post. Anyway I was looking through some of my old songs and I found this. I wrote it about 18 months ago, it's quite messy but I would like to know what you think


I followed you home after school
Just to find out where you lived
It sounds a little bit creepy now
But my intentions were well meant

I memorized your timetable
I knew all of your breaks
Even if it was just 5 minutes
I'd find you to be with you

In hindsight the things I do
Border on obsession
I don't know why
Not going to blame it on love
But your presence sends my brain insane
Your beauty a smokescreen to my judgement
Your scent soaked up my mind

I forget all the things I want to remember
I remember all the things I don't
But you
You'll never disapear
Engraved in my memory
Tatooed in my mind
With a smile

So return the favour
It's the very least you could do
If you return the favour
Then I'll come running home to you
And I'll fight
To be with you tonight
Just hold my hand
And we'll be alright

Inhale me
Don't leave me
And I'll hold you
I'll carry you, carry you
I'll never let you fall

We can fly
I'll show you Saturn and Venus
We can explore the Milky Way
Spend our nights on the Moon (or Sun?)
I'll catch a star for you

I'm not a fan of pictures
I guess I've never seen something worth keeping
But you've changed my thinking
Everywhere I look I wanna see your eyes
I'm sorry that I'm selfish with you
But I don't see why
Why I have to share you with the world
So please
Please indulge my passions
Even if it's just for a while
Just for a short while

Thank you very much
#2
I found this to be a frustrating read and I'm sure that would translate into a frustrating listen as well. You play around with both grounded and abstract concepts (following someone home and then taking them to the stars shouldn't appear in the same song) that cancel each others effectiveness out and leave you confused as to the writers true feelings towards this person. I think that if you can focus on a singular idea in this song then you'll be able to make it more coherent and improve on that one idea instead of making scattered attempts to do it all.

Hope you help this piece realize its potential! C4C? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1466740
Too lazy to come up with a clever or relevant sig.
#3
It is a song for a 12-13 years old teenagers. They understand all this "I know your timetable" stuff.
#4
Definitely the start comes from a very young mind, not that there's anything wrong with that, but personally when I hear the lyrics about school and fancying someone in a classroom I kinda tend to switch off. How ever others might not.

Don't be afraid to structure it a bit more, beginning middle and end. The start has a nice introduction about how you used to be when you were younger, and looking back on it how intense and "creepy" you got. Then I'm kind of expecting the feelings from a older head to continue. There's a lovely simple beginning then I'm expecting it to grow and grow, becoming more eloquent as you grow yourself, verse after verse.

I LOVE this line, "Inhale me". Really intense and as if your overcome with love for this person.

"But I don't see why
Why I have to share you with the world" Here I'd drop the second "why" and let the lines run into eachother.