#1
i like the gap between your legs
where the light shines through
right up until it reaches your body,
(i hate phone calls that are awkward
and the smell of hospitals and
how artists become infamous
once they have taken one too many)
when i see a picture of a mountain
drenched in snow, or fold creases on a map
when a teacher feels like a friend or
when a three thousand word essay comes to an end
when the silence is enjoyable, (the calm before
the storm) when you say something you thought
was meaningful (and get nothing in return)
when you can see the sun shining on ice patches
so you don't mind being awake early
(knowing mistakes before you make them)
hangovers (physical and mental)
maybe we are given everything
just so we can lose it
after all, we were built to break, and disintegrate.
Last edited by Dylan_ at Aug 2, 2011,
#3
^Douchebag.
the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn


#4
Quote by Dylan_
i like the gap between your legs
where the light shines through
right up until it reaches your body,
(i hate phone calls that are awkward
and the smell of hospitals and
how artists become infamous
once they have taken one too many)
when i see a picture of a mountain
drenched in snow, or fold creases on a map
when a teacher feels like a friend or
when a three thousand word essay comes to an end
when the silence is enjoyable, (the calm before
the storm) when you say something you thought
was meaningful (and get nothing in return)
when you can see the sun shinning on ice patches shining
so you don't mind being awake early
(knowing mistakes before you make them)
hangovers (physical and mental)
maybe we are given everything
just so we can lose it
after all, we were built to break, and disintegrate.


I really, really dig this. I bolded the spelling error. That was the only thing that really stuck out to me. The last line is not my favorite. I think if you dropped the "and disintegrate" it would be a lot stronger of an ending. A little more abrupt, the way it felt to me that it should be. But other than this last line, there was nothing about it that really frustrated me. Good work! If you get a chance could you critique one of the links in my sig? Thanks and great work!
#6
Quote by xSacrilegex
This is a joke right?

If so, troll accepted.


Someone obviously doesn't belong in this forum. The Pit is that way. -->

Anyway, back on topic. I really liked this piece. My one complaint is, asCyclones41 stated, I feel like the last line should have ended after "we are built to break."

Nice work, man.

EDIT: Also, while I like the idea behind the title, I don't like the wording of it. I think it's just too wordy for my taste.
Last edited by Winter Sky at Aug 3, 2011,