#1
This is my first time posting anything I've written here, and this is actually the first thing I've written that doesn't totally suck (or maybe it does and i don't know, but thats why it's going here.) Anyway this is my song, hope you like it.

Poison Me

Verse 1:

You took me inside
And showed your world to me
And now it's too late to hide
I'm just not meant to be free

You told me all your problems even though i never cared!
You showed me you're ****ed up and now it's too late not to stare!
And then you knew you had me and i can't take back control!
You're lips are made of poison and the poison stole my soul!

Chorus:

I'm Poisoned!
You've poisoned me!
I'm poisoned!
And you don't even care!

Verse 2:

Someone take me away
I can't do it alone
Oh god this isn't happening
So will I have to leave home?

I try over again but somehow you keep me inside!
I wonder if you knew this would you still feel your delight??
Wish I knew before that you're black heart was made of coal!
Your lips are made of poison and the poison stole my soul!

Chorus

Dramatic slow down for a bridge:

So
You wanna know
You'll never show
The end of your road

Hey
You wanna stay?
We'll make you change
We'll change your ways

Come on
We'll sing this song
All Winter long
There's nothing wrong

Hey
You wanna stay? x2
We'll make you change (second time slowly go from)
We'll change your ways (singing to screaming to lead)
(back into the verse)

And then it would go back into one more verse and then the chorus and be over. I still have to come up with one more verse, but i thought i would post what i had so far. im pretty excited about these lyrics and this song, i really wanna see what you think about it
#2
Quote by jakeiscool
This is my first time posting anything I've written here, and this is actually the first thing I've written that doesn't totally suck (or maybe it does and i don't know, but thats why it's going here.) Anyway this is my song, hope you like it.

Poison Me

Verse 1:

You took me inside
And showed your world to me
And now it's too late to hide
I'm just not meant to be free

Not very original, but at least the flow is good.

You told me all your problems even though i never cared!
You showed me you're ****ed up and now it's too late not to stare!
And then you knew you had me and i can't take back control!
You're lips are made of poison and the poison stole my soul!

In the first line, you say you never cared; then in the third line, you say "you knew you had me". I feel like you're contradicting yourself. Also, in the last line, the repeated use of "poison" feels sloppy; you should change one to something else.

Chorus:

I'm Poisoned!
You've poisoned me!
I'm poisoned!
And you don't even care!

This just feels angsty and whiny. Not a fan of this chorus.

Verse 2:

Someone take me away
I can't do it alone
Oh god this isn't happening
So will I have to leave home?

This doesn't feel like it relates to the first verse very well. What's happening? Why do you have to leave home? These are questions you should be answering with your lyrics.

I try over again but somehow you keep me inside!
I wonder if you knew this would you still feel your delight??
Wish I knew before that you're black heart was made of coal!
Your lips are made of poison and the poison stole my soul!

The third line is really really cliche; I'd change that line completely. Again, using "poison" twice in the last line feels amateurish.

Chorus

Dramatic slow down for a bridge:

So
You wanna know
You'll never show
The end of your road

These lines all feel forced just for the rhymes.

Hey
You wanna stay?
We'll make you change
We'll change your ways

Same as above. Also, using "change" twice so close together detracts from the song.

Come on
We'll sing this song
All Winter long
There's nothing wrong

Again, same as above.

Hey
You wanna stay? x2
We'll make you change (second time slowly go from)
We'll change your ways (singing to screaming to lead)
(back into the verse)

And then it would go back into one more verse and then the chorus and be over. I still have to come up with one more verse, but i thought i would post what i had so far. im pretty excited about these lyrics and this song, i really wanna see what you think about it


I don't mean to seem like a dick, but most of this was pretty cliche and loose. If it's metal/screamo/etc. I guess it works, but you should work on your originality and vocabulary as you keep writing. No one writes great stuff early on, so just keep working at it and your writing will improve.
#3
thanks for the feedback, i know it wasnt that good, but i figured i have to start somewhere, and ill take what you said into consideration and rewrite it and maybe post the new version sometime later.
#4
I see the lyrics in some alt-rock style. Not bad )))
Last edited by Rescuer at Aug 6, 2011,