#1
I've been writing stuff, purely for myself really, but thought I might throw one up here and see look for a bit of feedback or opinions. Suppose it's meant as a slow, short, acoustic song.


I'd like to never grow old
So I won't have to act my age
Then I can lay down at night
And think of future mistakes
Yet I'll be glad of the time
With the sun on my face
To sing of devilish days
So lets pretend that I care


I've thought about all the things that I have said
And i've dished out dirt on the on frivolous plays
The drainage stopping me, for better or for dead
It wasn't secrets no, just the lies instead


This lesson's growing old
It's weighing down my skin
I wish the time had come
So I wouldn't have to begin
But the craze is endless
And there's no time to fit in
I guess I'll sing this forever
And just prey it sinks in


I've thought about all the things that I have said
And i've dished out dirt on the on frivolous plays
The drainage stopping me, for better or for dead
It wasn't secrets no, just the lies instead


I've thought about all the things that I have said
And i've dished out dirt on the on frivolous plays
The drainage stopping me, for better or for dead
It wasn't secrets no, just the lies instead
#2
Quote by Drodan

I'd like to never grow old
So I won't have to act my age
Then I can lay down at night
And think of future mistakes
Yet I'll be glad of the time
With the sun on my face
To sing of devilish days
So lets pretend that I care
Solid opening stanza. Love the "devilish days" part. The only thing is, the last line feels like it doesn't belong. It comes out of nowhere and doesn't really make sense to me, in context of the poem. Maybe I'm just reading into it wrong, but I'd change it.

I've thought about all the things that I have said
And i've dished out dirt on the frivolous plays
The drainage stopping me, for better or for dead
It wasn't secrets no, just the lies instead
The chorus feels a little disheveled. The rhyme scheme holds it all together, a nice ABAA, but the words themselves feel a bit clumsy. I can't make sense of the second and third line to be honest. The third line seems to exist only to support your rhyming, and the fourth line makes sense, but not in conjunction with everything else. I'd re-evaluate exactly what you're trying to say, and see if you can't get something a bit smoother out.

This lesson's growing old
It's weighing down my skin
I wish the time had come
So I wouldn't have to begin This line feels sub-par to the rest. Kind of cliché -take a penny, leave a penny- line.
But the craze is endless
And there's no time to fit in
I guess I'll sing this forever
And just prey it sinks in
I like this stanza, but it has a few flaws. The line I talked about earlier being one of them. Another flaw is the running "in" rhyme into the ground. The first stanza got by without relying on the rhyming, and it felt a lot less restrained because of it. This one feels like you were just matching lines. The "in" rhyme wasn't as strong of a sound as your "-ead" rhyming in the chorus, so it tires out quickly when you bring it out every other line with no impact, and then finish up with it at its most basic form, twice. While rhyming a word with another word can be used effectively, this one didn't really warrant it in my opinion.



That looks like a lot wrong with the last thing, but I'm really only covering about three things. Don't get the wrong idea, please. I liked the poem, it had a real homely feel to it, nothing forced or trite. I think it could use a little smoothing out in certain areas, and maybe a bit of reworking with the last stanza. Comparing it to the first one, it felt a bit trying, instead of natural.

I did enjoy it, so good job.
#3
Cheers for the feed back dude.

Would you believe I never actually noticed the "in" endings until you pointed them out, and yeah I agree it does read quite weak when you see it. I never actually intended for rhyming schemes to be so apparent, just sort of happened.

I've been going over it a bit (along with other ones I've been messing about with, things seem to be going ok so running with it) so I'll throw them up again when I'm happy enough (cause I'm never really happy with them) with it.

Thanks again mate.