#1
all my brokenheart violets blush my fair skin
whenever i touch a pillow, or linger without purpose
in the kitchen with dirty dishes piling higher
than my whiskey buzz. i angle my comedown
close to a window to hear clouds part
and harps sound; is that where i was?

you were there too, dressed for bed,
sleeping through its a wonderful life, and the sky
graciously kept me awake. the many miracles i found
in that quiet makeshift night; the finite routes
i took to trace your browning skin; the sins to commit
barely beyond your parents' sight
are, in the end, what most likely did me in.

coming back to life, or lack thereof, once again;
if you were thinking then about paradise,
how it's like and what it would take to get there, i'd laugh.
because that is all so simple in my mind.
here, My Dear, here it is
Last edited by SubwayToVenus at Aug 3, 2011,
#2
The thing I love most about your writing is that, if I don't pay attention, I tend to think it's too descriptive and flowery, but then I realize that you actually write extremely concisely. There's a lot of descriptive language and adjectives, but it's also very economical, and I see that as a real achievement because I tend to have trouble with that myself.

Since there's a few parts I don't entirely understand, I'm not entirely sure if you're talking about sleeping and dreaming or something else, but either way I enjoyed it. Room for interpretation is good.

Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#5
writing of the week as far as im concerned. would nitpick if i had time but as i do not just want to give you my praise for this. i think sometimes you do amazing things with language you are not conscious of. the consonance and assonance here is something difficult to achieve.
#7
synth, thanks a lot for those kind words. that means a lot to me.

thanks again to everyone else as well
here, My Dear, here it is
#8
I guess I'm on the outskirts of this one. I've seen multiple comments that say something like, "she sounds beautiful," and sure... you delivered a painting of this "her." But, and this has more to do with me reading most everything you post than really with this piece, I feel like you are always scratching on the surface of a scene. Like an artist that can paint EXACTLY what he sees, but can never interpret it into a vision that can turn the scene into his point of view.

I'm not saying you aren't painting wonderful scenes, and I'm really not even saying that you don't deliver your point of view most of the time... but there are occasional pieces from you (this one included) where when I finish reading, I feel like I don't know anything more about where you were standing when this hit you than I did when I began. Instead, I feel like you've handed me a photo you took in 6th grade of your class trip to the zoo, and two of your classmates, whom I don't know (and you don't know well enough for them to be important), are pretending to hump the orangutans. I'm lacking reality in the piece... I'm lacking the place where you step away from the daisies that are falling off your tongue and running down her silky, smooth breasts and deliver me some gusto that says, "her name is Susannah and she is a Virgo who loves kicking ass and taking names. I really dig her style because of the things we do together." I just keep reading this over and over and feel like, this time at least, your character is a water-painting caricature... and the beauty of the painting just isn't enough to keep me entertained.

Lord knows you've written a dozen pieces that deserved WotW and didn't get it, so I'm certainly not going to complain... and I'll be back the next time you post, reading in a dazed awe, I'm sure; but this time, I missed the train to Topeka.

Cheers,
Zach

(if you feel like it, just a bump/thought on the chosen one in my sig would be appreciated)
#9
@Zanas: yeah, I get what you're saying. To be honest I too was surprised to read those comments saying "she sounds beautiful" because, like you said, there isn't much description or characterization of whoever "she" is. I never really want to give in-depth explanations of my poems but I will say that this poem has more to do with myself than it does with the girl in question. That being said, a little more characterization and flavor to "her" couldn't hurt. I always try to layer a lot of depth into my poems and have multiple ideas coalesce into one unifying message. Sometimes I think I succeed and sometimes I don't. This may very well be one of those times where I can see my blueprint for this poem coming together nicely only for the simple reason that I know exactly where everything ties together. I can see the depth of it because I wrote it. In that sense it's hard for me to remain objective because I really like how it is right now. I really feel like I captured what I wanted to capture. However, it is very refreshing to hear a different, dissenting opinion on it, so I thank you for that. I just hit up your piece as well.

And thanks rd and everyone else. It always feels good to win one of these
here, My Dear, here it is