#1
I think this is my best piece I've done in a while. I'd like some feedback C4C C4C C4C of course. Thanks for taking the time in advanced.

*updated*

Bold expressions crossed my face
as I stared blankly into yours
begging for your answer if
you really wanted it forever.
And I creeped out the backdoor
praying that your parents would
stir so you couldn't run after me
and give me one other excuse
as to why you would.
I set off at a quick sprint
to spring these efforts so
valiantly and I was only
left with the dark mark
on my head from when I banged
a nail from the wall and bled
to give me hope that
you didn't break my heart,
you just shut it up for a second.

I promised myself every day
for a year and a year after
that I'd settle for less than
what I've been given
because I have to be grateful
but it's becoming increasingly difficult
as the slut struts her stuff,
and making me sulk in a corner
for the lust I've been searching for.
I'll ask you once more
to leave my thoughts
in the shambles that they lie
because when you crossed them
barefoot it was as if you
learned how to fly -
and I'm tired of remembering
how light I felt when I
was with you.
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Last edited by brandon369852 at Aug 5, 2011,
#2
I only read it once, sorry I'm a bit busy, but from what I've read I think it's good. Can't go into to details but the one thing that I noticed was the lack of punctuation in the stanzas. I don't know if that was intentional or not, but I felt the lines were running on and on and where hard to make sense of.

But I think it has potential, sorry because I read it so hastily, I don't have much time on my hands now.
#3
That's fine - you can try and come back when you have time if you want. I meant to, just for the purpose of the flow. Writing it, I was thinking of me in the situation of talking to the girl, very emotional and fast - flowing quickly and without much breaks. When I read out loud in a slam type of way, I finish it in less than a minute.

But the point that it doesn't make sense at that speed is alarming - I hope I can somehow justify this or change it someway. I'm sure if you read it a couple times, think about stanzas together and then separately maybe it'll make more sense. I'm hoping it'll be one of those pieces you read a bunch of times.

Regardless of the outcome, thank you for reading. I do appreciate it and anything you want me to look at, I will as quick as I can.
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Last edited by brandon369852 at Aug 3, 2011,
#4
That font is one hell of an eyesore.


Quote by brandon369852


Bold expressions crossed my face
as I stared blankly into yours
begging for your answer if
you really wanted it forever.
Decent opening, I don't like the last line though. Something about it just seems, too ambiguous or clumsy.

And I creeped out the backdoor
praying that your parents would
stir so you couldn't run after me
and give me one other excuse
as to why you would.
Would what? Run after you?

I set off at a quick sprint
to spring these efforts so
valiantly and I was only
left with the dark mark
on my head from when I banged
a nail from the wall and bled
to give me hope that
you didn't break my heart,
just shut it up for a second.
This stanza could use some punctuation. Even with the line breaks, it felt like a large run-on sentence. I like the story of it though, and it's a great last few lines.

I promised myself every day
for a year and a year after
that I'd settle for less than
what I've been given
because I have to be grateful
but it's increasingly hard
as the slut struts her stuff,
and making me sulk in a corner
for the lust I've been searching for.
A little confused by what you're trying to get across here at the first half of this stanza. Again, the last few lines are solid, and totally relatable.

I'll ask you once more
to leave my thoughts
in the shambles that they lie
because when you crossed them
barefoot it was as if you
learned how to fly -
and I'm tired of remembering
how light I felt when I was
with you.

While reading this, the image of the girl walking on glass came across, before the flying line. If you wanted to maybe play with that idea and add it in before the flight part, I think it could work well. But your poem, your rules. At first I was going to criticize the "learned to fly" line, just for being a little cliché, but you worked it in well with the last lines. Again, really good ending to this stanza. And to the whole poem really.


So yeah, in summation, the way you worded some lines made it a bit confusing. Not in a poetic "what does he MEAN" way, but in a "wait..what?" way. But towards the end, you really hit your stride. The farther I read, the better it got, and it left me with a somber feeling, which matches the overall mood I think. Good job on that, just revise a few lines and I think this will be golden.

Obscure Reference to a Book I Read in Tenth grade is my most recent, if you'd like to crit back.
#5
Thanks for the crit Blake. I noticed it got better towards the end too, and I will definitely work through it to make it less confusing.

And I will get to it tomorrow, I won't forget I promise

Alright, changed the font for you

1) I guess I was trying to reference back to my face, like she wanted that forever. Then again, this is a small metaphor for basically the relationship, whatever we had before that was supposed to last forever. I feel like, aside from calling this "it," I'd make it too wordy and clunky and it would lose its flow too early in the piece.

2) I didn't notice how "wait...what?" this stanza was. I meant for it to be ambiguous, but sheesh, hahah. It was supposed to reference back to the beginning "it." The "forever lasting relationship," "the face." Maybe if I said something about the forever here, like:

and give me one other excuse
for why this forever should last.

Just something straight off the top of my head, I'll play with this idea a little more.

3) I've recently been getting into a lot of slam poetry, and I wanted this to be a really emotional, really fast paced stanza. I pictured myself with my fist clenched and eyes closed explaining what it felt like when she left. I feel with punctuation, that would distract me from this goal, and that's why I only used one comma at the end, like I finally made my point and there was no need to lose my cool anymore (if that makes sense, sorry I'm tired but can't sleeeeeep)

4) I guess it's a little personal here. Like how I always would say "she's who I'll be with forever," "don't need anyone else," blah blah - and if I were to break my promise, I wouldn't deserve anything better than what I had, I would have to settle for something worse. But then I realized that something better (lust for a slut, me crying) is better than what I had. Pretty confusing, I know (it took me a while to explain it ) but I guess that's the point of my poetry. I want it to be confusing so people read it a lot and break it down to figure it out. I don't want people to say 'this is too confusing, so fuck it though, so hopefully it's not to that point.

5) I guess I said it this way to say "you crossed the glass barefoot, obviously you'd be hurt by it, but somehow you didn't" which leads into the last part (which I love for some reason, not sure how I came up with it, hahah)

If anyone else wants to help, that'd be awesome too. This is just a piece that I feel really emotionally attached to, and I NEVER revise my work, but I think this is worth it. Please and thank you, of course.

I just went and changed a little bit of it, let me know if you like the changes
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Last edited by brandon369852 at Aug 4, 2011,
#6
Awesome stuff Brandon, once again.

Okay, so what I don't understand to begin with, is how Bold expressions crossed my face
as I stared blankly into yours
works. I don't see how you can have bold expressions and a blank stare at the same time.

Here, I'm rather confused again: I set off at a quick sprint
to spring these efforts so
valiantly
what exactly does "spring these efforts" intend to convey here?

Loved the rest of that stanza.

as the slut struts her stuff,
and making me sulk in a corner
for the lust I've been searching for.
Perhaps here I was anticipating something a bit more meaningful. Also, to me it feels like a mouthful with slut, strut, stuff, sulk.

And I emphatically agree with Blake - the last stanza was fabulous.

Overall, I really enjoyed it albeit a few confusions. Maybe it's just me though...care to enlighten me?
#7
Overall, i really like it! I don't mind the lack of puncuation, because i don't use it much when i write either. :P

The "head" and "bled" in the 3rd stanza was kind of distracting just because it was such an obvious phrasing. With that being said, thinking about it, i can't really imagine another word you could have used... :/

I love the feeling of this though. I like the fact that you're so completely telling a series of events and i love that i can just imagine everything happening. I like being able to picture in my mind what the writer is telling me about.

"I'll ask you once more
to leave my thoughts
in the shambles that they lie
because when you crossed them
barefoot it was as if you
learned how to fly -
and I'm tired of remembering
how light I felt when I was
with you."

This is my favorite stanza of the entire thing, although there's one slight change i would make. In the last two lines, i would just change the phrasing from how it is now, to,
"how light I felt when I
was with you."
That way, the whole "fly" and "lie" sceme more easily includes "I" and sort of unites the whole stanza.

And sorry i didn't review this earlier, i just got busy...
#8
Thanks for the replies everyone

Lauren - 1) I guess it was supposed to be a contradiction, or even to the point of boldly blank, as if I'm not fearful.

2) The efforts just to get away from her/the whole situation that just preceded.

3) I guess that's just a personal part. After that long relationship, I broke my promise that we'd be together forever so I didn't deserve anything better than her. But I realized that the girls who are just dtf are really better than what I had, so I'm being ungrateful for what I had. Kind of confusing, but it's personal And I meant to do the slut strut her stuff because I plan on using this in a slam and I like the way it flows when I say it.

Thanks for taking the time, friend

Courtney - 1) I don't try to rhyme when I write poetry, and that just ended up happening, But like you said, I don't know how else I could phrase that :/

2) And I really like that and I will do that. Thank you for the help

Thanks for getting back to it, I appreciate it

My iPhone app sucks at editing and when I posted it on facebook, it put it into a big block like what I just edited it to. Before I could change it, a friend she LOVED it as two separate blocks instead of four stanzas. What do you guys think?
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Last edited by brandon369852 at Aug 5, 2011,