#1
well i've been doing a bit of writing, its not as dark as it was around this time last year. Now im not claiming this to be the best stuff out there. so any advice or critism would be greatly appreaciated. i dont write to make it rhyme i just start with a few sentences and it flows from there.

i came up with this one after watching a news program about radical christians in the states that were saying that australia was a "FAG" nation and that our natural disasters were "the work of god punishing us sinners" also going to killed soldiers funerals and protesting there. having signs at the funerals saying the only good soldier is a dead one and shit like that.


You say what you speak is right

Inciting hate and laughing at our destruction

A nation full of sinners

Condemned to burn

Self inflicted punishment (you could say from the shit we do to the enviroment)

Not the hand of god

You cant see how your corrupt views are wrong?

Its poisening the minds of your followers

Is it really gods word?

Munipulation a subtle ??? (i had form there but doesnt really sound right)

To take the truth and twist it

out of hate your faith is born

(how is it right to wish for suffering) doesnt seem like it belongs there?

Stupidity cannot be taught

thriving on hatred

excluding your self from the true meaning of your religion

creating your own mental ??? (had prison but doesnt really sound right)

your primitive minds are lost in time (sounds pretty cheesy)


but yeh thats one of my poems ( if you can call it a poem) like i said its not the greatest and needs work. so any ideas or critisim you can give will be great.
#2
To be honest it read more as prose. I guess you could make an anti-christian punk song out of it.

There's no connection from line to line, it's just cliché thoughts that have been said a thousand times about the WBC.
#3
Quote by blake1221
To be honest it read more as prose. I guess you could make an anti-christian punk song out of it.

There's no connection from line to line, it's just cliché thoughts that have been said a thousand times about the WBC.


Lol, harsh.

But he's kind of right = /
#4
yeh i supposed so, i think i need to start agian or scrap this one, thanks for the feedback mate.
#5
It's good, but as they said, it's like more of a prose than poem. and you're not talking about God though, it's more about how people think about God. It seems OK, but yeah, you could make an anti-christian song out of it .