#1
1. you will be the girl i spoke to
once on a train, about the weather
and i'll laugh how you used a newspaper
to protect your hair from the rain
as perfect as it was, i rolled my eyes
to heaven, and you smiled and i wondered
where my new found confidence had come from
thank you corona extra!

2. you will be the girl i make coffee
for in the morning, and we will visit
your parents every second sunday
and grow up together and watch
saturday night live and
somewhere in the middle one
will hurt the other and we will fail
but we will try over and over

3. you will be the girl - you won't be anything to me
just something to hold on to
making brief appearances in my mind
when i am drunk and won't
go home alone, but i won't make
you coffee in the morning

4. you will be the girl i love
every waking second, the one
that i hurt the most until someone
came to their senses, you will be the
heart shaped bruise that i wake up to every morning
you will be the reason why i only have four numbers.
#2
Hey man, I think I owe you a bunch of critiques, however I don't see a need to critique this because on a couple reads I don't see any glaring things that bothered me. Just a couple of comments and observations.

Last line. Love it. The idea with the numbers being different girls and stuff, love that too. The thing missing from this, though, the thing that could have made the whole piece GREAT, was that there was nothing to tie it all together. Which is a really really tough thing to do. First off, none of the numbers have any connection to each other, except two and three with the coffee part, and that's one of the great moments in the piece. But let's take out the coffee thing, forget that and come back to it later, and look at the rest. If you deleted 1, 2, and 3, and wrote them again, with totally different descriptions and totally different girls, the ending would still be the same and the effect and feeling I got at the ending would still be the same. So really what you wrote in the first three numbers, and actually most of the fourth one, has no consequence.

You could have done:

1. I met this one girl

2. Then I met another girl

3. Then I met another girl, but didn't care about her as much as the other one.

4. you will be the girl i love
every waking second, the one
that i hurt the most until someone
came to their senses, you will be the
heart shaped bruise that i wake up to every morning
you will be the reason why i only have four numbers.

See? Maybe the descriptions are pretty and heartfelt and clever, which most of them are, but what consequence do they have? What effect on the overall piece as a whole do they have? Almost none. Even the coffee thing was just kinda clever. It's just the one example here of what you need to try to move towards.

Don't get me wrong, this is a good piece. I enjoyed reading it. But what I'm talking about is what takes this from being just good and enjoyable to awesome, to me bookmarking it and coming back to read it every once in a while just like I would any ee cummings or William Carlos Williams poem.


As I type, I realized, essentially, what I've been trying to tell you: Every word, every phrase, every thought in a poem/set of lyrics has to count for something. Every. single. phrase. must move the story or sentiment or what have you towards the end of the poem, or towards the overall thing you're saying, or towards the moral of the story you're trying to tell. Whatever it is you're getting across, it has to all culminate in this big huge BANG of genius.

To do this takes an extraordinary amount of skill. But it's what you need to work towards. Economy. Every line counts.


I do like this though. Keep writing!

Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#3
Very clever. The corona extra line totally distracted me though, and continued to as I read on. The same effect as a glaring product placement in a movie - I felt like it was one big commercial.
Being specific with brand names can add color to a piece, but I feel that a more generalized approach would suit this better.

Nice work!