#1
This is my first attempt at writing lyrics. I'm thinking of making it into a Prog Metal Ballad sort of thing. Anyway, thank you for taking the time to both read and provide feedback.

As always, C4C.

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(Verse)

Veil covered her cracked and broken features,
Words fell in vain on my deaf ears,
Memories flood back so very quickly,
Vernal shade of our last kiss,

(Chorus)

I will show you fear in a handful of dust,
Your beautiful Hell I still despise,
In our dreams, lying forever more,
The endless whispers of our mind.

(Verse)

Frail, I stumbled close enough to meet you,
I would bleed for her fragile God,
If death should bury her forever,
Will your virtue bring me life?

(Chorus)

I will show you fear in a handful of dust,
Your beautiful Hell I still despise,
In our dreams, lying forever more,
The endless whispers of our mind.

(Verse)

Tell the embers to stop their endless burning,
This Cross is far to hard to bear,
(Whispered)
Bequeath now our true rewards,
As we now know true fear,
As we now know true fear,
As we now know true fear,
Fear, in a handful of dust.
"Notes are expensive, spend them wisely." - B.B. King
Last edited by Xeron Brigs at Aug 7, 2011,
#2
Let me preface this by saying I am know writing expert so I can only offer advice on how I interpreted it. Most of the writings on here often seem to be either above my comprehension level or I guess I just don't relate to whats being said because I end up confused or lost haha. Not to say they aren't good, but for me personally sometimes I find to use of metaphor to be too strong to speak to more than a select audience. (again, not a knock, just an observation)

Quote by Xeron Brigs

(Chorus)

I will show you fear in a handful of dust,
Your beautiful Hell I still despise,
In our dreams, lying forever more,
The endless whispers of our mind.




Out of the whole piece, I did like these 2 lines. Maybe it's because they were the most straight forward, but prolly more so because i find the whispers in my mind to be controlling at times.

Quote by Xeron Brigs

(Verse)

Frail, I stumbled close enough to meet you,
I would bleed for your fragile God, (just changed her to your to keep consistent)
If death should bury me forever,
With your sweet Sin, I’ll find life.



This part seemed a bit contradictory to me and made for a bit of confusion. I get that you are saying she would bring you back to life, but maybe the word choice is a bit off? I don't know.
#3
Thanks for the feedback, I really appreciate it!

I do agree with that last part you mentioned. Now that I have thought the basic "plot" for the song out, it was rather confusing and wasn't properly conveying what I meant to say. I made a change to it.
"Notes are expensive, spend them wisely." - B.B. King
#4
I really enjoyed reading this. I thought the flow was great and there were a few really good lines, like the last line of the second verse and the first line of the third verse. However, there were a couple lines that I didn't care for. The second line of the first verse is just too cliche and there is no transition between it and the first line. In other words, I want s line her that relates to "her cracked and broken features". Maybe something about even though they are veiled, you still remember every detail. Also, the second line of the chorus could use some tweaking. One, the flow doesn't feel natural. The wording feels twisted to fit the rhyme scheme. Two, I'm not a fan of "beautiful hell". It's just too vague in my opinion. Anyways, nice job and I hope to read more from you.

Crit mine please
A Gapers Delay on the Yellow Brick Road