#1
crit4crit
A GAPERS DELAY ON THE YELLOW BRICK ROAD

The emerald city of Oz
Is green with envy,
Whatever you have
They want that many.
Even the trees will reach out
To pick pocket the scraps,
You made to feed your family.

We're not in Kansas anymore
This is the heart of America,
The beat of a war drum
Pounding out the stench
Of dead presidents,
A pollution that changed
The blue sky jaded green.
Looks like a tornado is brewing;
A Big Bad Wolf
To huff and puff
And blow our homes down.

A gapers delay
On the Yellow Brick Road,
Not just a broken body
But a shattered soul.
For her ruby slippers
She was shot in cold blood,
Oh God, there's no place like home.

We're not in Kansas anymore
This is the heart of America,
The beat of a war drum
Pounding out the stench
Of dead presidents,
A pollution that changed
The blue sky jaded green.
Looks like a tornado is brewing;
A Big Bad Wolf
To huff and puff
And blow our homes down.

The happiest endings
Are those that never come,
But far too many
Fairy tales are cut short,
By switch blades and free trade
So much blood on the money;
Red and green. It's beginning
To look like Christmas Eve,
I just wish our savior
Had really been conceived.
Last edited by themarsvolta at Aug 8, 2011,
#2
I have to ask, are all of these poems also songs? You have a very set style, which I enjoy, but it always seem like they're full on songs, and I've never heard anything

A gapers delay
On the Yellow Brick Road,
Not just a broken body
But a shattered soul.
For her ruby slippers
She was shot in cold blood,
Oh God, there's no place like home


Brutal. This was just awesome.

You just always seem to have really solid lines that perk up each stanza, and it really helps in keeping the interest going. I felt like the chorus was the weakest part, actually. I think what hinders it is the repeated "too much green" lines, as they feel a bit simpler than the rest. Personally, it feels like if you correlated the following lines to the "beat of a war drum" that would give it a stronger push. "The beat of a ward drum/to the tempo of our greed" as a starting point to maybe play with. Or I could see you playing with the heart line in relation to the beat, and find some clever play on heartbeat. Idk, just some ideas. Still enjoyed the fuck out of this.

It's also funny you should say "We're not in Kansas anymore/This is the heart of America" when Kansas is pretty much the geographic heart of the lower 48.
#3
I dig it man! it's got kind of an old school ac dc metal kind of feel if I'm reading it in the right rhythm haha
#4
Damn, I was hoping no one would notice that Kansas thing. Stupid geography. Anyways, I made a small change to the chorus that hopefully improved it a bit.
#6
Quote by themarsvolta
crit4crit
A GAPERS DELAY ON THE YELLOW BRICK ROAD

The emerald city of Oz
Is green with envy,
Whatever you have
They want that many.
Even the trees will reach out
To pick pocket the scraps,
You made to feed your family.

The one word that bothers me here is "made" in the last line. I'm not sure why, but it doesn't feel like the right word there.

We're not in Kansas anymore
This is the heart of America,
The beat of a war drum
Pounding out the stench
Of dead presidents,
A pollution that changed
The blue sky jaded green.
Looks like a tornando is brewing;
A Big Bad Wolf
To huff and puff
And blow our homes down.

As someone said, Kansas is kind of near the "heart" of America, though I don't think it detracts from the piece. However, I do wonder what you mean by "the heart of America." The line "changed the blue sky a jaded green" is an awesome line. Also, you spelled "tornado" wrong, minor typo. I don't like the Big Bad Wolf reference though.

A gapers delay
On the Yellow Brick Road,
Not just a broken body
But a shattered soul.
For her ruby slippers
She was shot in cold blood,
Oh God, there's no place like home.

I don't think I understand what you mean by the first line, unless you meant "gaper's" rather than "gapers". Lines 5-7 are humorous and clever, but I'm not sure I like the Oz theme.

We're not in Kansas anymore
This is the heart of America,
The beat of a war drum
Pounding out the stench
Of dead presidents,
A pollution that changed
The blue sky jaded green.
Looks like a tornando is brewing;
A Big Bad Wolf
To huff and puff
And blow our homes down.

The happiest endings
Are those that never come,
But far too many
Fairy tales are cut short,
By switch blades and free trade
So much blood on the money;
Red and green. It's beginning
To look like Christmas Eve,
I just wish our savior
Had really been conceived.

I really wish the rest of the piece had been more like this stanza. It's free of references and disguises, and the point really hits hard. The first two and last four lines are absolutely gorgeous. Hell, this stanza could be a piece on its own. Bravo.


Overall, this didn't do much for me except for the last stanza. The last stanza felt like it didn't belong, though it was easily my favorite part of the piece. Like I said, I think the last stanza alone would be a stronger piece than this in its entirety.

Still, you've got lots of clever lines and hooks, and like always, this was a pleasure to read. Great work.

Oh, and if you could critique "A Hiding Place" I'd appreciate it. Link is in my sig.
Last edited by Winter Sky at Aug 7, 2011,