#1
lately I've been counting things
cigarettes and coaster rings
that you leave when you're here
or when you go away
I don't mean to spoil your games
but not everybody's calvacade
runs the risk of doing this
and having to start again

and it's now getting late and you're being tricky
you're more a rock than a star
roll the boulder
and don't misbehave
or the stars will never shine

does it help you pull me in?
does it reach and pull the pin?
is it me, or do they all, wait for you to chafe?
do you climb the trees or do you swim?
or set up camp and take it in
from mountain tops, with telescopes
taking notes
then sneaking in at night

and it's now getting late and you're being tricky
you're more a rock than a star
roll the boulder
and don't misbehave
or the stars will never shine
you'll just have to buy some time

and suddenly I'm not okay
I'm out of luck and you've ran away
with my thermos flask, my skiing mask
all that's left is me

and it's now getting late and you're being tricky
you're more a rock than a star
roll the boulder
and don't misbehave
or the stars will never shine
you'll just have to buy some time

you're more a rock than a star
roll the boulder
roll the boulder
roll the boulder
#2
I don't know how to crit this, just because of how magnificantly this thing sounded, and how it flowed. I read it like five times, a couple out loud and was just blown away. The third stanza was phenomenal, along with the rest but that stood out to me.

I don't know what else to say, other than you have one hell of a talent.
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#3
I loved it. In the third stanza, personally I would change the third line to "Do you climb the trees or swim". But that's just my two cents.

I love the rhymes - not cliché, not overused, just right.

I pictured it to be a rock-ish song, maybe something along the lines of Nickelback, Stereophonics, or maybe even Arctic Monkeys. Anyway, that's just my thoughts.

Overall I thought it was pretty brilliant

EDIT: I thought it looked familiar. Haven't you just changed the words of Black Treacle by Arctic Monkeys? You've even kept the rhyming the same in a lot of cases..
Last edited by Sladey at Aug 6, 2011,
#4
I really like it; the only thing is I seem to want to hear the line "Roll the Boulder" more in the chorus; maybe sung twice instead of once where shown?. It's such a great line, it deserves more attention.
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#5
Quote by Sladey


EDIT: I thought it looked familiar. Haven't you just changed the words of Black Treacle by Arctic Monkeys? You've even kept the rhyming the same in a lot of cases..


You are my new favourite person. Ever.

Sladey, you have just rolled the boulder.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Aug 6, 2011,