#1
This is one of the most personal songs I've ever written. It's about the fear of being on the losing side of nature vs. nurture. See, my biological father, who I haven't met, was an alcoholic, which, to an extent is shown to run in families. Let me know what you think, and I'll be happy to return the favor.

Sins of the Father

Verse:

I hate to think what path I take
Won't be mine to choose
Because certain paths don't work as well
When you have things to lose
There's a love you find in churches and
A love you find in bars
One of them will seek you out
No matter where you are

Chorus:
I worry that the father's sins
Beget the lost son's sinning
I feel like I need a drink
To think the world's still spinning
x2

Verse:
The demons all come out in hours
That aren't accounted for
I once was able to keep them in
But I can't anymore
The mistakes that I made this week
Make an amber-colored sea
Nobody ever warned me just
How thick blood could be

(Chorus)

Verse:

When walls of love and fear and knowlege
Don't help you out at all
What can you find left to do
But answer one more call
How much is predetermined and
Just how much is choice
When I speak now all I hear
Is someone else's voice

(Chorus)
Last edited by Devil_Duck at Aug 6, 2011,
#2
leave the drugs dude, btw the song is great, and so is the signature
Living is a bless, most of the people just exist

i'm out of my mind, insane, and what i say is sht or doesn't make sense, still your reading this.
#3
cool song

you should make another thread if you end up recording it, id love to hear it
#4
Very interesting concept, but could use some refinement. Bear in mind that my comments have a lot to do with the way I envision the song being performed. It's very likely that you have a different musical style, but I think it's worth considering.

Breaking it down chronologically, first thing is get that chorus to play only once (maybe twice the final time, but definitely not the first run through). Twice played choruses that are the same lyrically generally don't work very well, at least in an audience-friendly format. Also, revisit the last two lines of the chorus. "I feel like I need a drink/to think the world is still spinning" is good conceptually, but clumsily in terms of phrasing. I'd strongly recommend that you get rid of "I feel like" because that's just a weak phrase. Feel free to use something similar, but use stronger language.

Second verse:
Have you thought about adding in "just" to "I can't keep them in anymore". I think it would add to the desperation and help with tension. Also, why is the sea "amber-colored"? Is there an actual reason for it, or did you use that because it just fit? Thirdly, remove the "just" before "how thick blood"; it lessens tension in the song, particularly that close to the chorus.

Third verse:
This is purely my personal taste, but think about replacing "walls" with "trees". The mythos associated with the Tree of Knowledge could be a quality allusion. While I'm being subjective, get rid of the final chorus. It would end the song on a note of mystery, kind of like the Sopranos finale (if you didn't watch the Sopranos, think like season one of Lost).
Back to objectivity: whose call are you answering? Is there a reason you don't (or shouldn't) want to take that call?

I know it might seem like I'm tearing this to shreds, but it's a really cool poem, it really is. I'd love to see it up on Original Recordings some day.

EDIT: I can't believe I missed something this obvious: the title. Change it to "The Sins of The Father" or "A Father's Sins". I'd be willing to bet that there's already at least one song with that title, but it just works better.
Quote by SonOfPest
Its the Lydian mode; formed in Eastern Arabia when the Persians invaded England.


Quote by Blind In 1 Ear
try the sexolydian scale.
Last edited by jwd724 at Aug 5, 2011,
#5
Quote by jwd724
Very interesting concept, but could use some refinement. Bear in mind that my comments have a lot to do with the way I envision the song being performed. It's very likely that you have a different musical style, but I think it's worth considering.

Breaking it down chronologically, first thing is get that chorus to play only once (maybe twice the final time, but definitely not the first run through). Twice played choruses that are the same lyrically generally don't work very well, at least in an audience-friendly format. Also, revisit the last two lines of the chorus. "I feel like I need a drink/to think the world is still spinning" is good conceptually, but clumsily in terms of phrasing. I'd strongly recommend that you get rid of "I feel like" because that's just a weak phrase. Feel free to use something similar, but use stronger language.

Second verse:
Have you thought about adding in "just" to "I can't keep them in anymore". I think it would add to the desperation and help with tension. Also, why is the sea "amber-colored"? Is there an actual reason for it, or did you use that because it just fit? Thirdly, remove the "just" before "how thick blood"; it lessens tension in the song, particularly that close to the chorus.

Third verse:
This is purely my personal taste, but think about replacing "walls" with "trees". The mythos associated with the Tree of Knowledge could be a quality allusion. While I'm being subjective, get rid of the final chorus. It would end the song on a note of mystery, kind of like the Sopranos finale (if you didn't watch the Sopranos, think like season one of Lost).
Back to objectivity: whose call are you answering? Is there a reason you don't (or shouldn't) want to take that call?

I know it might seem like I'm tearing this to shreds, but it's a really cool poem, it really is. I'd love to see it up on Original Recordings some day.

EDIT: I can't believe I missed something this obvious: the title. Change it to "The Sins of The Father" or "A Father's Sins". I'd be willing to bet that there's already at least one song with that title, but it just works better.


That is fabulous feedback, thank you! It's amber colored because that's about the same shade as whiskey, and I've played the lyrics with the music a lot and I think that some of the phrasing lines up better than you think. Apart from that, I'll go try to apply all of that and see what I get. Thanks a lot.
#6
Also, I'd be answering the call of the bottle. Maybe it isn't clear enough in the song, but I'm trying not to end up an alcoholic like my father, but I can kind of see it happening.