#1
A song I wrote about a man who looses his life in the desert, tell me what you think, thanks!

Took a trip down to the desert today,
I walked across the dunes and plains.
The sun it was upon my back.
The thought of just being alone,
Turned my soul pure black

Stumbling around like a mad man,
I’m trying to find my way.
For miles it stretched upon the land,
Don’t know if it’s night or day.

It feels like I’m up to my neck in sunrays.
Walking out here all day.
Yes I’m up to my neck in sunrays,
No one to feel your pain.
When your up to your neck in sunrays,
You’ve got all loose and no gain.
Yes I’m up to my neck in sunrays,
Every night and day.

The next day in this living hell,
I hear the tolling of the bell.
I look up to see a man in black,
He was upon his horses back.

He told me of how my time had came,
There was no one to feel my pain.
Because in the desert, it will drive you insane.
You will surely pay with your soul
So don’t go walking with your neck up to sunrays,
You’ll hear the bells iron toll.

It feels like I’m up to my neck in sunrays.
Walking out here all day.
Yes I’m up to my neck in sunrays,
No one to feel your pain.
When your up to your neck in sunrays,
You’ve got all loose and no gain.
Yes I’m up to my neck in sunrays,
Every night and day.

Well I took a trip down to the desert today,
I walked across the dunes and plains.
The sun it was upon my back.
The heat it just drove me mad
Sunrays turned my soul pure black.
Last edited by JakePlaysGuitar at Aug 7, 2011,
#4
I really think the rhyming hurt this piece. I'm a fan of rhyming, but here it's all just too simple. The third stanza was the biggest culprit. Having every line rhyme got kind of grating. A lot of it just seems kind of cheesy too. I don't mind a playful song, but this is supposed to be about someone struggling and dying and I don't get that kind of tone here. It just seems so off, like a person who's dying in the desert wouldn't be thinking these things. Unless, he's being driven mad by the heat and seeing mirages and whatnot. But you have to establish that in the piece. I need more details about how he feels. I don't need that stuff about "soul pure black" (why would dying in the desert make your soul black?) and "the tolling of the bell", that generic metal stuff. Save that for a different piece. Anyways, I'm sorry if this crit was too harsh, but I know you could do better than this. Keep on writing and I hope to read more from you soon.

Crit mine please
A Gapers Delay on the Yellow Brick Road
#5
Quote by themarsvolta
I really think the rhyming hurt this piece. I'm a fan of rhyming, but here it's all just too simple. The third stanza was the biggest culprit. Having every line rhyme got kind of grating. A lot of it just seems kind of cheesy too. I don't mind a playful song, but this is supposed to be about someone struggling and dying and I don't get that kind of tone here. It just seems so off, like a person who's dying in the desert wouldn't be thinking these things. Unless, he's being driven mad by the heat and seeing mirages and whatnot. But you have to establish that in the piece. I need more details about how he feels. I don't need that stuff about "soul pure black" (why would dying in the desert make your soul black?) and "the tolling of the bell", that generic metal stuff. Save that for a different piece. Anyways, I'm sorry if this crit was too harsh, but I know you could do better than this. Keep on writing and I hope to read more from you soon.

Crit mine please
A Gapers Delay on the Yellow Brick Road

It's cool brah, I was kind of basing this around a horse with no name, haha