#1
Back To Life
A work in progress by John McCormack

Verse?
So, the lights just went out
And yes, I paid the bill
Couldn't get any darker in here
If God himself commanded it, his will

Dizzying, this darkness
Frightened, but somehow, at peace
Don't want to face this reality
Start to cry out, beg for my release

Chorus?
Tear through this barren void
Fingers slashing like knives
Pray to God for your hand, your face, your voice
Praying for you to bring me back to life


That's all I have so far. I had this sort of epiphany for the melody and progression for the last two lines of the chorus, and I recorded it, albeit pretty terribly, but I don't know how to host it. It's just a short clip, and short of authoring a video for youtube to put it up, I don't know how else to post it. Any help there? I'd really like to hear feedback on it as I move forward.
Last edited by BigAssSack at Aug 8, 2011,
#2
Quote by BigAssSack
Back To Life
A work in progress by John McCormack

Verse?
So, the lights just went out
And yes, I paid the bill
Couldn't get any darker in here
If God himself commanded it, his will

The last line feels awkward; "his will" was obviously added for the rhyme. I suggest rewording that line.

Dizzying, this darkness
Frightened, but somehow, at peace
Don't want to face this reality
Start to cry out, beg for my release

I would change the last line to "Starting to cry out, I beg for release" or something similar. The rest is good.

Chorus?
Tear through this barren void
Fingers slashing like knives
Pray to God for your hand, your face, your voice
Praying for you to bring me back to life

I really like this chorus.


That's all I have so far. I had this sort of epiphany for the melody and progression for the last two lines of the chorus, and I recorded it, albeit pretty terribly, but I don't know how to host it. It's just a short clip, and short of authoring a video for youtube to put it up, I don't know how else to post it. Any help there? I'd really like to hear feedback on it as I move forward.


I think you've got a great start to a song here. I have no idea how to upload audio or video, so I'm sorry that I can't be of any help there. I'd like to see this finished, and I hope you can figure out how to post audio so I can hear it. Nice work so far.

Would you mind critiquing my piece titled "A Hiding Place"? There's a link in my sig.
Last edited by Winter Sky at Aug 8, 2011,
#3
Mostly very well done. I liked the line about having paid the bill. It seems like it would be just a throwaway line, but it added just a touch of snark. I agree about the awkwardness at the end of the first verse, but if you can find a way to make it flow, even if it's an uneven flow, with your music it can work. Leonard Cohen has been known to do that. It's looking good. I'd like to read the whole thing when you flesh it out a bit more.