#1
Hey guys, I wanted to see what you thought of these lyrics, it's about my ex who cheated on me. The song is a more post-hardcore song with the pre-chorus and breakdown being screamed.

Constructive criticism would be fantastic

Song:

Verse 1:
Tired of the smiles to mask
And the pain that I feel
With the sound of their name
But I know for sure that I'm stronger than this

It seems the longer that I hold this off
The more easier it is for my sanity to dissolve
Let go
But I know it's already been gone

Pre-Chorus:
Do you know what it's like to feel betrayed?
(Do you know what it's like to feel this way?)
Do you know what it's like to see your face?

Chorus:
I turn my back for just one second
And it all blows up
And the worst part is it's not the first time you've ****ed up

I turn my back for just one second
And there it goes
And I'm trying to recover from your previous blow but no (but know)
You try to rip out my heart, yet you've already scarred it once

Verse 2:
My life is an open book
Full of stories of faith and the love that you took
But know
I just need time to let this go

My mind is a pillar to hold
All my thoughts of this
And it's about to implode
Oh noooo
All the sleep that I've lost can't be brought back now

*Pre-Chorus*

*Chorus*

Breakdown (not screamed):
My trust does not come easy x4

Breakdown (addressed to the guy, screamed):
Don't try to take what's mine
You've had your chance and lost last time
But then you try to force it back
I will foil your ideas and your plan of attack
The worst part is we could've been friends
But now all I can think is of seeing you dead
I forgive as I feel any person should
But know that my respect you will never deserve

*chorus*
#2
First, thank you very much for the critique on my piece.
Second, after reading your introduction, I would casually like to say, you need to listen to La Dispute. One reason is because it'll show you what real post-hardcore sounds like, and the second reason is because you're probably going to love them when it clicks for you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F3r7cGKwThE
This song is about the same subject as yours, but pay attention to the lyrics. They'll blow you away.

Quote by wifiguy51

Verse 1:
Tired of the smiles to mask
And the pain that I feel
With the sound of their name
But I know for sure that I'm stronger than this
Tad cliché for a start, but nothing bad.

It seems the longer that I hold this off
The more easier it is for my sanity to dissolve
Let go
But I know it's already been gone
Take out "more" in the second line, it's unnecessary. I get what you're saying with this stanza, but it's a bit hard to tell what exactly you're talking about. The ambiguity starts to ebb a bit at the impact.

Pre-Chorus:
Do you know what it's like to feel betrayed?
(Do you know what it's like to feel this way?)
Do you know what it's like to see your face?
Still a little cliché but nothing I'm holding against you. If you were to sing/scream this with all you've got, it'd be convincing enough.

Chorus:
I turn my back for just one second
And it all blows up
And the worst part is it's not the first time you've ****ed up
Not sure I like the "it all blows up" just because it feels a little blunt. Maybe it's just in conjunction with the "fucked up" line. I'm not against swearing in lyrics/poetry, but you've got to make sure it serves a purpose.

I turn my back for just one second
And there it goesDidn't like this line either.
And I'm trying to recover from your previous blow but no (but know)Clever little flip.
You try to rip out my heart, yet you've already scarred it once
Maybe a different verb would fit for being scarred or being ripped out. Choose one, and make the other verb match. Right now you're comparing stealing a heart with hurting one, and it'd probably mean a bit more if you kept it consistent.

Verse 2:
My life is an open book
Full of stories of faith and the love that you took
But know
I just need time to let this go
Awesome first two lines, filler second two lines. You're better than that.

My mind is a pillar to hold
All my thoughts of this
And it's about to implode
Oh noooo
All the sleep that I've lost can't be brought back now
This stanza was fine, if not a bit clunky. "All my thoughts of this" just reads a little weird.

My trust does not come easy Oh really? Isn't this the second time now? Here's two more songs you need to know exist. The second of which has a great example of swearing usefully.


Don't try to take what's mine
You've had your chance and lost last time
But then you try to force it back
I will foil your ideas and your plan of attack
The worst part is we could've been friends
But now all I can think is of seeing you dead
I forgive as I feel any person should
But know that my respect you will never deserve
This stanza doesn't quite live up to the emotion backing this piece I don't think. I would take out the "friends" line, and lose some of the rhyming. The rhyming isn't what's wrong with it, but you seemed to be line matching, and that tends to force lines when this needs to be the most emotionally based part of the song. I think rewriting it from that perspective would do you some good. Leave out the forgiveness line as well. You're not "breaking down" (lol) and thinking of compassion. You're seeing red. Leave that for later.


All in all this was a good read. It was a little cliché heavy, but as I said, it wasn't terrible. I think the groundwork's set for a great song, you just need some patching up to bring out your best. I most standby what I said for your breakdown. Luckily, considering the hectic nature of breakdowns, form and composure can go out the window and you can work with raw thoughts instead, which would give a nice break compared to the composed lines of the song.

But yeah, good start. Will read more from you.

#3
Hey thanks for the critique man, really helpful. I just started writing so I'm trying my best to stay away from cliches, and I definitely know I can write better. But I do have a belief that sometimes simplistic writing could be incredibly emotional, but it has to be done right.

I do like La Dispute, they do have a lot of emotion and that's what I'm headed for. I like their lyrics and I've been getting inspired from bands like them and Brand New, who I think also write amazing lyrics.

This is just a first draft, it will definitely get better

Thanks again!
#4
Song:

Verse 1:
Tired of the smiles to mask
And the pain that I feel (How about “All” instead of “And&rdquo
With the sound of their name
But I know for sure that I'm stronger than this

It seems the longer that I hold this off
The more easier it is for my sanity to dissolve
Let go
But I know it's already been gone

Pre-Chorus:
Do you know what it's like to feel betrayed?
(Do you know what it's like to feel this way?)
Do you know what it's like to see your face?

Chorus:
I turn my back for just one second
And it all blows up
And the worst part is it's not the first time you've ****ed up

I turn my back for just one second
And there it goes
And I'm trying to recover from your previous blow but no (but know)
You try to rip out my heart, yet you've already scarred it once
(how about “You try to rip out my heart and reclaim the scars you made)

Verse 2:
My life is an open book
Full of stories of faith and the love that you took
But know
I just need time to let this go

My mind is a pillar to hold (how about “My mind is a keg that holds&rdquo
All my thoughts of this
And it's about to implode
Oh noooo
All the sleep that I've lost can't be brought back now

*Pre-Chorus*

*Chorus*

Breakdown (not screamed):
My trust does not come easy x4

Breakdown (addressed to the guy, screamed):
Don't try to take what's mine
You've had your chance and lost last time
But then you try to force it back
I will foil your ideas and your plan of attack (how about “With your useless ideas as some plan of attack&rdquo
The worst part is we could've been friends
But now all I can think is of seeing you dead
I forgive as I feel any person should
But know that my respect you will never deserve

*chorus*


Hey, I finally got here to read this and tell you what I think.

After reading this I feel like “let’s go get in the car and mess that mofo up!” He can’t be messing your girl like this!

I sung the song to myself and could picture it being slow, like modern country. I liked it and added my two cents as well.

By the way, thanks for the crit of “Depraved”. I took your advise and re-wrote some of it and added some new material if you want to check it out.

Good job and I hope to see some more.


C4C
Depraved
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1472585