#1
This is a revision of something that I posted up a looooooooooooooooong time ago. Let me know what you think. As always, crit4crit.

Symptoms of a Greater Disease

Verse:
This old girl I know, she sells herself
At night out on the streets
And I say, "You know you're better
Than anyone's piece of meat"
She frowns and says "It's all I can do
to hold tight to my place"
And I think about how her wrinkles
Drag the smile off her face
And off she goes to spend the night
Battered on her knees
It's all nothing but a symptom
Of a far greater disease

Verse:
I found my friend and had to ask
"How could it come to this?"
He was passed out in a puddle
Of vomit and of piss
His powder baggie on the floor
A mirror on the shelf
He'd say the Devil did this
But he did this to himself
He'll go back into treatment now
And go right back when he's free
Suffering from the symtoms
Of a much greater disease

Verse:
A friend I've known for all my life
Sold his soul to Uncle Sam
Now he marches, gun in palm
Across the burning sand
He shakes a little and has no idea
What else he can expect
He stays on guard, he says a prayer
And grips the cross around his neck
Tomorrow he'll watch his brothers
Get blown to smithereens
And the whole thing's just a symptom
Of a far greater disease

Verse:
A young boy paces back and forth
In his room in the dark
He used to paint great pictures
Though now he's lost the spark
But sometimes he'll paint the color red
On his arms late at night
That release is the closest thing
He gets to just all right
At least that way he feels something
But he never feels at ease
He's just the victm of the symtom
Of a far greater disease

Verse:
I pour myself some coffee
And stare into the morning streets
We're fighting hard to stay afloat
But I'm afraid we're getting beat
Hate's spread like a cancer
It's spread between our hearts
I wish that we could cut it out
But we wouldn't know where to start
Love's fallen by the wayside
It's slipped into a crease
Pushed out by the spreading
Of a far greater disease

End:
In the end there's too much hunger
For all our wealth to please
Holding us, and filling us
With a far greater disease


Edit: I'm having a really hard time deciding what the music for this should sound like. I usually do a folk pop sort of thing, but I can't tell if this needs to be a ballad (which may come off as too preachy) or more driving (which might cause the message to be lost). Thoughts?
Last edited by Devil_Duck at Aug 10, 2011,
#2
Thank you for the crit. I appreciate it. I think this is the first time in a long time that I've read a piece and really enjoyed the theme of it. I love the realness of it. Lots of imagery too which I enjoy. If I had to nitpick, I would say that the beginning of each verse isn't as strong as the following lines would suggest. But I'm really being picky there. Anyways, sorry for the lame crit but I really liked this one. Keep on writing, man.
#3
I absolutely enjoyed every second of reading that, it was a really great piece and I think you really know how to portray someone's angst, fear, hate etc by using words. As for the music though, I'm not entirely sure cause when I read this it was in spoken word (in my head) so I would actually try to get some sort of orchestral arrangement with spoken word in the back, but I'm just a sucker for those kinds of tracks

Again, love it.