#1
crit4crit
THE HOMELESS LIVE IN MANSIONS

We built a prism palace
From crystal clear intent so whole
That God's light is less holy
And it splits into a rainbow

Indigo from the pen
That I nervously chewed on
And busted the ink, trying to think
Of the right words to woo you

A golden yellow color
Like the earth's sweetest nectar
Which by the way mixes
Quite well with tequila

Blue like the face of a man
Holding his breath
Waiting for Satan and God
To put their fighting to rest

Violet as, well, violent
With just one letter gone
Such a small difference
Between what's right and wrong

Red from the blood of all
The sacrifices I had made
Green as the grass on the other side
Where our children would've played

And a bright orange glow
Like the autumn harvest moon
Oh look, it's there above us now
Didn't think the fall would come so soon

But I did throw my cornerstone
So carelessly in a house of glass
I'll be sure to act more carefully
As I sweep up the aftermath

Sweep me off my feet
So I don't step on the shards
Then throw me from the heavens
So I don't burn on the stars
Last edited by themarsvolta at Aug 10, 2011,
#2
Quote by themarsvolta
crit4crit
THE HOMELESS LIVE IN MANSIONS

We built a prism palace
From crystal clear intent so whole
That God's light is less holy
And splits into a rainbow

Very nice imagery, but the line lengths, expecially between 2 and 4 are a bit uneven.

Indigo from the pen
That I nervously chewed on
And busted the ink, trying to think
Of the right words to woo you

Loved the scene in this stanza, but I think perhaps "oh which I chewed" would help with flow. Up to you though.

A golden yellow color
Like the earth's sweetest nectar
Which by the way mixes
Quite well with tequila

Awesome. Makes me not even care that it doesn't really rhyme.

Blue like the face of a man
Holding his breath
Waiting for Satan and God
To put their fighting to rest

Fine. Don't change it.

Violet as, well, violent
With just one letter gone
Such a small difference
Between what's right and wrong

Same

Red from the blood of all
The sacrifices I had made
Green as the grass on the other side
Where our children would've played

Last line is very effective. I think a little of slipped in at the beginning of the second line would ad to flow, but I'm really nit-picking now.

And a bright orange glow
Like the autumn harvest moon
Oh look, it's there above us now
Didn't think the fall would come so soon

Fine.

But I did throw my cornerstone
So carelessly in a house of glass
I'll be sure to act more carefully
As I sweep up the aftermath


A very old idea that you made sound pretty fresh. Bravo.


Sweep me off my feet
So I don't step on the shards
Then throw me from the heavens
So I don't burn on the stars



All in all, this is fantastic. I really had to nit-pick to find things, and some of the line unevenness made a bit more sense when I get into the groove that I think you were going for. My newest is called "Symptoms of a Greater Disease (revision)." Throw a man a crit?
#3
For fuck's sake man.


This was brilliant.


I am honestly impressed, I have nothing to critique.
#4
-.- You really should revise your requests
You say "If you could, it'd be great if you'd crit mine"
You should say "Grab some tissues and a change of pants before you read my piece"

The first stanza and the last three are my personal favorites, this ends so strongly, the imagery is amazing and every metaphor is masterfully crafted. You're a very talented writer, and I've never disliked anything by you (that I've read yet) and judging by how consistently awesome they've been, I don't see myself disliking them in the future either.
Music is an art form that celebrates potential. So long as you're looking for it, you'll always find it.