#1
Latest song that took me about 30mins to write, been wanting to write it for a long time but didnt know how to put it into words.


Cold start of '06

Verse 1

She was given a chance at life
12 years of "wasted" time
She was like the sun, Shines so bright
Now the memories all thats left behind

Chorus

As time ticks on
Her voice still remains to ring out in life
Its kept in the box she left behind
And we never got to say goodbye

Verse 2

To the shadows that haunt her
Too inhumaine to show their face
Sickened thoughts plagued her fate
Thus her life she shall erase

Did you feel the rope as it tightened?
Or how her feet never touched the ground
What about the tears that spilt
From the eyes, from whom they found?

Chorus

As time ticks on
Her voice still remains to ring out in life
Its kept in the box she left behind
And we never got to say goodbye
She was a queen in her own right
To which demons took away
I hope shes in a place where you
Cant harm her in anyway

Bridge

Did you feel the rope as it tightened?
Or how her feet never touched the ground
What about the tears that spilt
From the eyes, from whom they found?


Chorus

As time ticks on
Her voice still remains to ring out in life
Its kept in the box she left behind
And we never got to say goodbye
She was a queen in her own right
To which demons took away
I hope shes in a place where you
Cant harm her in anyway


Open to criticism
Last edited by Reevo at Aug 10, 2011,
#2
First of all, never tell someone that a song is very emotional. They'll read it as being the opposite. People be jerks like that. Let them draw their own conclusion. Onto the crit. You do have some lines that I really enjoyed, like the chorus and the second verse, but I still think you can do better than this. Suicide is such a hard subject to write about. (At least that's what I think this piece is about, if not feel free to ignore the rest of this). You need to make the audience care about the victim and I don't get that here. Let us know why she was important and more specifically why she was important to you. Otherwise, it'll feel cliche and the victim deserves better than cliche. Hell, even if it's all just made up, the audience deserves better than cliche. Anyways, I apologize if the crit was too harsh, but I know you can do better than this (you could even concentrate on the bullies that drove her to suicide a bit more. just throwing out suggestions.) I hope this crit helped out though and I hope to read more from you.

Crit mine please
The Homeless Live in Mansions
#3
Well, I didn't find it very emotional, and while some may argue that's due to my total lack of a soul or affect, I will place the blame on your vocabulary and such in this particularly instance.

There weren't any really poignant words or phrases and I had a heavy sense of disjointedness. I couldn't decide whether you were writing about an infanticide, child rape, a kidnapping with no discovery of the kid, or molestation. I know my own work is at times frustratingly vague, but I'm usually pretty good at spotting such things. I couldn't here.

This may just be a personal issue, but I really think inverted syntax - if that's what it's called, I can't remember my Lit Studies class, it was excruciating - harms a piece more than it enhances it. It makes shit sound so olden, and at times, pretentious and forced.

I feel like you could attack this from another angle and do a much better job.

edit: volta says some good things. listen to him if i sound like too much of an asshole.
the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn


#4
It's good. Look at tenses though. For instance, I'd use "shone" instead of "shines" to maintain past tense. Also, if the form of "merory" you're trying to use is as in "memory is" it needs to be "memory's" but if it is plural, then you keep it as "memories", but you need and "are" which would not ruin the flow. Also, take the "to" out at the beginning of the sixth lines of the later choruses. It's clunky and unnecessary. But it really is quite good, and clearly very personal for you. My newet one is called "Symptoms of a Greater Disease." Check it out for me?
#5
Thanks guys, im newish to the songwriting scene i guess, and i try not to sound "emo" if possible, but its quite difficult when around topics like this.

I removed the emotional part due to it being copied from my facebook, because alot of people who knew her would be shaken up, but anyway its a song based around a girl who committed suicide back in Jan 06 which shook my school up pretty bad.

She was one of the girls you saw around and thought "Shes going to go far" and i didn't know her too well on a personal basis, but the effects of her suicide was felt since i too came very close at one point, same with alot of her close friends, her family, the entire school, and the ambulance workers who had to remove her body :'( it was a really dark era for us all.

Im far from finished from this as i want to write it as well as possible and dedicate it in her memory.

Anyway thanks again guys, and hopefully ill try crit your own stuff