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#1
So Pit.

I think it's time for us to discuss some situations that have happened to you, which could have been in a sitcom. This could be anything from having a date with two girls on the same night (With disastrous consequences) to being stuck in an elevator for two hours with your ex.

And it's probably up to me to kick it off, so get your gel seats out, because I love writing walls of text which 50-90% of the pit won't read.

I was in Australia last year on holiday visiting family, you know how it is Pit. I was staying in the Bonaparte Apartments in Fortitude Valley, Queensland (If you ever have to stay in the Valley, stay here, these apartments are cheap, clean and so muthafuckin' nice to be in. BTW, I'm not advertising or anything, I'm just throwing out some handy advice to any potential Holidayers that are going to Queensland. That's probably the last time I'll mention how awesome these apartments are)

Anyway, I live in New Zealand and usually go to sleep around 1 or 2 in the morning on most nights, so that plus the time difference of three hours meant that I wasn't getting any where near tired until about 4 or 5 in the morning there. So I was faced with the conundrum of what to do from about midnight to 4 in the morning every night. The first two nights I was content as I had some Red vs Blue DVD's I had brought over from NZ, so I had a RvB marathon which was pretty brilliant.

After I had exhausted my supply of RvB though, I had nothing to do but play with my dick, so I ended up out on the balcony of the Apartment I was staying (WHICH WAS AWESOME). So for a few nights I'd just sit out there for a couple of hours until I ended up a tiny bit tired. It wasn't as boring as it might sound, there were Bats, which scare the shit out of me on a good day, and Traffic Lights. Traffic Lights might not sound that great, but they are actually pretty interesting to watch on a low traffic street. I actually learnt how they work just by watching them and I'll post an explanation if anyone wants it. (You probably don't. I bet you all hate me because I make too many words)

So after all my DVDs and night watching had gotten boring, I decided to leave the apartment and go for a walk. I hadn't done this earllier, because I heard Fortitude Valley was notorious or something, I dunno lol, I wasn't really paying attention. So I exited the apartment and went down the stairs to leave the building. Just as I was leaving the building, an Asian girl came in with some shopping bags.

She looked well fit, so I was checking her out as she walked in, and when she walked past me something attacked my buttock. I didn't know what it was that had pinched my bottom so my face looked like this.

(Invalid img)

When I looked around to see what had nipped my ass I saw the Asian girl with a smile on her face. This made my face look like this.



So she asked if I wanted to have some fun and my mind was like, "Fun? omg that means sex, she's going to have sex with me, YES!", but my face was just like, "Yeah, sure". So she led me back to her apartment and was grabbing my junk through my jeans. She started going through her shopping bags for something, while still manipulating my junk and I was like, "awwwww yeahhhhhhhhhh dawg" because I talk black in my mind.

She pulled out my meat pistol and then put a condom on it straight away (She was going through the shopping bags for it). As soon as it was on, she started giving me a handjob... Yup. She wasn't holding back either, going hard and fast from the start. So my dick is a vulnerable thing at the best of times, but this bitch was going at it rough. So my knob was hurting like a mutherfucker already, and I was like, "Ow", apart from she took it as a moan of pleasure and started tugging it harder.

Now my foreskin was like, "Ow what the **** is this shit", and generally hurting like a bitch, and I thought this was going to be the worst ten minutes of my life, when she gave up on the hands and moved on to the mouth. Pure bliss. Her blowjob didn't really feel good at all, but it didn't hurt which was the important thing in my mind. She was using her mouth for a while and then decided that she'd work the shaft, which meant that my dick was about to get destroyed yet again. Around this time I got a mad flash of pain from the top of my foreskin and it actually made me grunt/yell because it was damned painful.

She must have taken this as a sign that she was doing a good job, and who am I to tell her otherwise. (Reason I didn't is because I hate giving people bad news, like they suck) So she had gone and released me from her she devil clutches and I was like, "Thank god", because it meant that this ordeal was finally over.

But it wasn't

She released me, then took her skirt off and bent over. Then she tried to guide my poor, beaten penis into her anus. You know the UG meme 'surprise buttsecks'? This was pretty much it. I was just standing there with a semi erect penis being all happy that this terrible ordeal was over, and then she grabs my dick and tries to put it in her anus.

So naturally, I'm too shocked to do anything as I can't even think of the consequences for my penis, and she immediately sticks my head in and then rams back as hard as she can. This pretty much destroys everything, as she whacked my balls and snapped my dick in half at the same time. I let out a yell and my voice cracks in it, because my balls just got pimp slapped by something I don't even know. So she turns around, and is like, "You came?", and I was about to say, "No, you just hit my balls real hard", when I realised that this was my exit route out of here.

So I proclaimed, "Yeah, too good", because I'm nice like that, and she starts talking about how I shouldn't tell anyone I was there, and she won't either so her boyfriend doesn't find out. By the way, if you're still reading this put two emoticons side by side at the end of your post. So I can tell who's lying about having read the whole thing.



Straight up, dawg. I'm not even gonna get into cheating and how bad it is there are probably heaps of threads devoted to it already, but yeah that was a bit shit finding that out.

But anyway, I gapped it as soon as I could went back up the stairs to the apartment I was staying in, got inside and then went straight to the bathroom to inspect the goods. Turns out she had ripped my foreskin. I was not impressed at all. You know how you get a paper cut, and it's real tiny but it hurts so much? It was like that but on the end of my knob. (And that's not alluding to me having a small penis, it was just a small cut). So I was still erect with an aching cut on the end of my peepee, and I just wanted the pain to go away. I figured the pain was there because of the boner so if I could get rid of the boner, the pain would stop.

So I tried to jerk away the pain. It was painful to start with, so I looked around where I was, and the only thing I could see which could help me out was some liquid soap. I grabbed at it, and squeezed out a handful for lube. I applied it to my appendage, and once the soap reached the cut all hell broke loose. There was so much pain in such a tiny, tiny cut and I felt like Godzilla thrashing about a bathroom in foreign country at 3 in the morning.

I won't get into details of me jerking it, as this story will probably get me banned for being too explicit or something, so I might as well keep the ending clean. So I finished my jerk eventually, and had to sit down for a while to recover from that marathon effort. Eventually I was feeling good enough to stand up and take a leak, which I started to do. Key word in that being started.

Urine flowed out of the urethra. Urine hit foreskin. Foreskin directed urine towards the opening at the end of foreskin. Cut on foreskin is exposed to urine on its way out. Extreme pain is tolerated for 30 seconds because I had given up by then, and I was just like fuck this shit I'll take it like a man. A man whose eye's were watering for 30 seconds straight.

So for the next day and a half I couldn't walk properly. For the next week or so I couldn't piss properly. And every day for the rest of my stay in the Fortitude Valley, the Asian Girl came up to the apartment I was staying in and knocked on the door to see if I was home. (Presumably to finish the job and circumcise me with her teeth or something brutal)

Fuck Australia

tl:dr; My dick got brutalised in Australia and then I accidentally made it endure even more pain with my bad decisions. Soap + Open Cuts = Bad Decision. Discuss Sitcom like events which have happened to you.
Last edited by devourke at Aug 10, 2011,
#2
that's fuckin' hilarious
You're using UG classic, congratulations.
You should be using UG classic.




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#4
*Reserved for massive OP*

Edit:Okay, God damn. I don't know why you couldn't avoid foreskin when peeing, that sure sucks man. I sometimes talk black in my head as well

Catch the Dragon
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Last edited by Funky_Fresh91 at Aug 10, 2011,
#5
Holy shit, longest post ever contender?
NOW PART OF THE

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#7
Dang dude well at least you had half of the ultimate fantasy
Should have gotten her number

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#8
Totally read it.




But seriously, that doesn't seem like a sitcom situation to me. Sounds more like a porn flick situation to me where some guy gets off of the S&M.
#11
Lmao that is quite possibly one of the greatest stories i have ever heard
Thanks for that
#13
Sitcom or sex story???

**** I came, so it will be latter

Quote by lambofgod127
btw im in hs and im almost 18 so if u do think she was flirting with me dont say that its wrong im almost a grown man.




༼ ▀̿Ĺ̯▀̿ ̿ ༽ WE ARE ROB ༼ ▀̿Ĺ̯▀̿ ̿ ༽
#19
Quote by CrimsonBizzare
What the hell kinda sitcoms do you watch?
Im guessing the inbetweeners due to the pics
#21
Quote by Nofootcanman
Im guessing the inbetweeners due to the pics


When was Spock in 'The Inbetweeners'
Quote by lambofgod127
btw im in hs and im almost 18 so if u do think she was flirting with me dont say that its wrong im almost a grown man.




༼ ▀̿Ĺ̯▀̿ ̿ ༽ WE ARE ROB ༼ ▀̿Ĺ̯▀̿ ̿ ༽
#22
Quote by slash_GNR666
When was Spock in 'The Inbetweeners'

I guess you missed that episode, they all tried to get laid on the enterprise
#23
Quote by Capt_Clarkson
I guess you missed that episode, they all tried to get laid on the enterprise


brb searchin for torrent
Quote by lambofgod127
btw im in hs and im almost 18 so if u do think she was flirting with me dont say that its wrong im almost a grown man.




༼ ▀̿Ĺ̯▀̿ ̿ ༽ WE ARE ROB ༼ ▀̿Ĺ̯▀̿ ̿ ༽
#24
One time I was really drunk and took a shit in a field.
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#25
Another ridonkulously long OP from you, I read it again however.


Cool story, bro.

Also sitcoms aren't normally that graphic.
#26
Quote by devourke

I had nothing to do but play with my dick, so I ended up out on the balcony of the Apartment I was staying (WHICH WAS AWESOME)



...

also what kind of sitcoms do you watch?
O.K.

“There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want.”
~ Bill Watterson


O__o
#28
Devourke, you're my favorite person ever today.
Good old Pete. Isn't he too old to masturbate? - Pete Townshend
Don't mind your make-up, you better make your mind up. - Frank Zappa
#29
Jesus Christ TS that was a long read but it was worth it,

Its almost up there with union jakes Prestige story.
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Last edited by deathdrummer at Aug 10, 2011,
#30
Quote by deathdrummer
Jesus Christ TS that was a long read but it was worth it,



^ Thats what she said

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#31
that story was pure class.

also, where does this chick live? Fortitude valley is a bus ride away from my place.
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#33
i dont understand the logic if you need a boner gone do wack it, id sit down and watch tv for a few minutes and voila alternatively gorw some balls and tell the bitch shes terrible at wristies
#34
I once woke up in a strange house, no one else was there, I had a hangover and I couldn't remember a thing about the night before, but I did remember that I had a gig to play that night and that I needed to get back home and get my gear sorted out pronto.
I found the front door key on the mantlepiece, left the house making sure to lock the door behind me and posted the key back through the letter box and started to walk home.
Then I realised I hadn't a clue where I was, so I thought I'd just walk downhill until I came to Burnley town centre, so I did, and found myself in Blackburn, which is about 20 miles away from Burnley, and I had no idea whatsoever how I got there.
I was skint so I set off walking, I was hungover, hungry, I'd have given anything for a big pot of coffee, it rained, I was bitten by a dog, tried thumbing a lift but no one would stop (bastards) and it took me 5 hours to get home.
When I finaly got home, I was knackered and I just about had time to get my shit together before I was picked up by the band and off we went to the gig.
At the gig, a mate of mine from Blackburn, who I was certain I hadn't seen for months, came up to me at the bar and said 'What the fu*k happened to you this morning? I only nipped out to buy some milk so we could have a cuppa and when I got back I was locked out. I had to go and get the spare key from my mum's house a mile away and when I finaly got into my house, you'd gone. I was gonna give you a lift home after the cuppa too.'
#36
Amazing

If only they did get well soon cards for penises..
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#37
So, one fine day, about a year ago, I decide to go out to a party where there are numerous people that I do not know. I sit down, grab a drink and chill for a bit, when this hot girl just comes and randomly grabs my dick. Here is where I'm thinking one thing: "Megusta.". So, after a bit of hanky panky, we decide to go hom to my place, as you do. When we get to my house, the lights are all on, which was odd seeing as it was about three in the morning. I walk in the door, and my mum and dad are there, and they looked somewhat shocked that I have a drunk girl with me. So my mom got scared, and said, 'You're movin' with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air.' I whistled for a cab and when it came near The license plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror. If anything I could say that this cab was rare, but I thought, 'Nah, forget it. Yo, holmes to Bel-Air!' I pulled up to the house about 7 or 8 and I yelled to the cabbie, 'Yo homes smell ya later!' Looked at my kingdom I was finally there, to sit on my throne as the prince of Bel-Air
There's a special sex move I do called the Charizard.
It's where you light the girls pubes, then put it out with your cum and run around the room flapping your arms screaming, "You don't have enough badges to train me!"
#40
That's some American Pie shit there.

281-330-8004, that's my cell phone number, hit me up on the low
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