#1
sometimes I think
whatever ghosts
that made you want to
kill yourself
still haunt this house
and are telling me
the same things
it told you.

(and we could pray
but what Good would
it do?)
Last edited by Sticky Tissues at Aug 23, 2011,
#3
Thumbs Up.

edit: I wrote that in all caps. UG clearly is racist.
the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn


Last edited by Cobrevolution at Aug 10, 2011,
#4
Quote by Sticky Tissues
sometimes I think

whatever ghosts

that made you want to

kill yourself

still haunt this house

and are telling me

the same things

it told you.

(and we could pray

but what Good would

it do?)


Wow. This struck me hard! The sincerity and the simplicity really blew me away.
Last edited by Bleed Away at Aug 10, 2011,
#8
Quote by Sticky Tissues
sometimes I think

whatever ghosts

that made you want to

kill yourself

still haunt this house

and are telling me

the same things

it told you.

(and we could pray

but what Good would

it do?)
Try putting a colon - or some other form of break (other than the line skip) - after "I think" in the first line. It insinuates to the reader that they should read the poem out loud and with a discernible rhythm. In my opinion, almost every poem as good as this should be read out loud, preferably with music playing in the background.

And I don't know whether this was deliberate or not, but you say "ghosts" and "it" in the same sentence, as if there once was a number of them and now there is only one. Like I said, that could be intentional - and I'm not one to know grammar back-to-front - but it made the read a little more cumbersome whether you intended on it being there or not.

I loved how you used "Good" with a capital 'G'. It added a spiritual 'layer' that never would have otherwise been considered since the topic itself only slightly eluded to it. I love when a piece does that; where it takes a simple, down to earth approach in the writing style and in amongst that simplicity adds snippets of gold.

Putting that last sentence in a parenthesis furthers that branch of thought. It shows you're really coming along as a writer and that you're able to manipulate something without it being too ostentatious or obvious. When a writer can elude to something without throwing it in their faces, then they've achieved a level that I'm only beginning to dream of.

Ultimately, though, this was a beautiful, beautiful read full of emotion. It was poignant to me but was still attainable or almost all levels. Well done.
#9
The plural/singular thing's all wrong. Saying 'they' instead of 'it' would be alliterative anyway so you might as well do it. The 'that' before 'made you' is weird, it's unnecessary.
I bloody well like this.
#10
not as sold on this as everyone else seems to be. thought some of the line breaks towards the middle were sloppy. it was almost too spacious for me, past the comfortable level where it would be impactful. either way, congrats.

#11
to explain the weird syntax on the plural singular, the mother figure who is haunted 'becomes the ghost', and that's why its 'it', if that makes sense. it originally was 'they' but I wanted another layer. also, I appreciate the honest critiques here, it was very humbling. thank you everyone for your words.

also, the colon is a nice idea, but I'm not sure aesthetically how I like it. it makes sense for reading it out loud for sure, but I like the clean-ness of it as is.

synth I was playing around a lot with the enjambment, I agree that it feels a bit rushed. I was going for a meditative approach and I'm not sure if that came across. I think it needs work.

and jiminizzle what do you mean by agreement problem? hahaha are you referencing the plural/singular thing as well?

thank you winter sky and fred for commenting as well
#12
Yay! A writer who is not afraid to edit their pieces based on what they've read. Not everyone is humble and bothered enough for that.
#13
No colon please.

Good read.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#14
i really prefer it with the spaces. it hit me harder then. could be just me though.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#15
hahah if it helps (or hinders) any, it only had those big spaces between because when I copied it to my tumblr it came out that way. I'm thinking I like it better that way though. thanks culex and jiminizzle for the feedback

also- shameless plug for my poetry tumblr:

http://anartistmachine.tumblr.com/