#1
i want very dearly to fall in love, but
i am still young, my eyes are still
bright, my heart like a sponge;
i lap up kisses like a thirsty kitten,
rubbing up against the thighs of
those who feed me, purring in their
laps like a motor engine (my
whiskers are weary - i
pluck them so you will want me)

you told me i look best in my
blue dress and i've worn it ever since
(you were hoping that i would undress and
i've been nervous ever since)
sometimes you take my sunglasses and
i wonder where your thoughts wander
behind those shaded lenses
(i can feel the heat of your gaze
on the nape of my neck, down my
back, between my legs, but alas
i cannot see it) - you have the
most beautiful eyes but alas
i rarely see them.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#2
Second stanza > first stanza.

With these pieces I really enjoy your writing style. All of the thoughts are familiar and real.

I loved the usage of "ever since" both times, it was a great use of repetition.
Very nice.
#3
I really enjoyed this. The only part that I stumbled over was the second usage of "alas". It's one of those fairly uncommon words that are stronger when used sparingly. I personally like the effect better without the second. Overall, though, refer back to my first sentence.
the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn


#4
This is a really nice read, I wish I could think of more to say about it, but I'll go with what I've got;

I really enjoy how you've absolutely nailed the feelings of anxiousness and awkwardness that (I imagine) one would feel in such a situation. It rings as very sincere and undiluted and just generally makes a great, strong impact.

The kitten metaphor is a great way to express the feelings and actions that are going on, and they all fit really well together, but the lack of any of that imagery in the second verse/stanza...just seems a little odd, since it played such a big part in the former. Not that I would change any of this, just speculating.

The emotions and thoughts going on here laid bare in such a great way, too, and you transition between them so naturally, from wistful to eager to self conscious and on makes for a very compelling, honest read. I'm honestly envious of how you've done this piece.

The situation here isn't a good one, and if it's drawn from person experience, I'm sorry, but you do a great (I need new adjectives..) job at making those experiences into some wonderful writing.
Quote by DukeDeRox
Obviously you got this.
#5
the first stanza is absolutely incredible
but you take the sexual empowerment of it and ruin it by turning outwards, into a love-object-- this man. the eyes detail is important, but not as an ending.

you are a life poet, and i really appreciate that. i see true life in all of this, and the experience transcends the page. i even read this one aloud. the parenthesis part of the second stanza is brilliant, but cut 'but alas i can't see it' as it ruins it.

peace and harmony
teg

ps: check out my latest, called "there's been talk" (of a Movement)
#6
this was so good. it felt like you were treading the line and almost fell into cliche-land but you never did. everything came off as so sincere and sweet and understated. and in my opinion the poem ends at a perfect place.

hope you're well saadia
here, My Dear, here it is
#7
thank you, it means a lot to me that you guys enjoyed this. i always appreciate your feedback.

thank you for the continued support of the community
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#9
Quote by JustRooster
You're my favorite drunk girl at a party.

lol, care to elaborate on that metaphor?
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja