#1
This is a first post in a long while, and I think I've lost the whole feel with this work. But please critique as best you can and I will return the favor. Thank you


You can hear the widow's lonley cry
And the banshee's mournful croon.
Rifles raise, to meet the dawning day,
Soldiers line the feild
And the widowmaker whispers his command
But the rustle of the money is all you hear

The crippled line the streets
And the poor all run and hide
While the children all march along
To the piper with a song
The Widowmaker's hands covers
All the politician's eyes

The widows back at home
Will you beat the drum slowly
For the soldiers poor strife
The Widowmaker hears the dying cry

The bride and groom have come to wed
But comes the widowmaker
Promising gifts and rewards.
Then the arm of death comes again
'Till the last wedding
The Widowmaker will tell them lies.

Let's go ask the dead and dying if they care
To stand and watch the Widowmaker fall
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Last edited by 24WildRovers at Aug 11, 2011,
#2
Not bad at all if you ask me.

I like the whole thing about the 'Windowmaker' although I think you could have tried to describe him in a bit more detail. The passages flow neatly in my head, and you used interesting imagery throughout. Don't be too hard on yourself, I thought this was pretty good.
#3
Quote by 24WildRovers



You can hear the widow's lonley cry
And the banshee's mournful croon.
Rifles raise, to meet the dawning day,
Soldiers line the feild
And the widowmaker whispers his command
But the rustle of the money is all you hear
Good opening. Nice imagery and the way you bring out the subject sets the tone.

The crippled line the streets
And the poor all run and hide
Wile the children all march along
To the piper with a song
The politicians do not see
For the widowmaker's veil is all they see
The rhyming of "see" with itself dulls the impact of this final line. I really like the imagery, it just gets a little wind robbed from the sails at the end. I also feel like this was a clumsy stanza. Something just gets lost in translation. Consider revising this part, and also I feel like the Widowmaker in this case wouldn't even care to notice her veil. Personal thought, though.

The battle anthem rings
The war must be won
Each man fights for what is right
But each man still falls for the widowmakers cry
I'm a bit confused by this stanza as well. I don't feel like it says enough to stand alone, and the last line seems a bit obvious. Maybe if you contrasted the Widowmaker with the widow herself in this one, it would bring about some good imagery.

The bride and groom have come to wed
But comes the widowmaker
Promising gifts and rewards.
Then the arm of death comes again
'Till the last wedding
The Widowmaker will tell them lies.
Solid piece about an empty wedding and shallow words. Good stanza.

Let's go ask the dead and dying if they care
To stand and watch the Widowmaker fall
Fantastic closing lines. Powerful, not overdone, and a perfect summation of your piece.


Very nice job, a few missteps in the middle, but I thought this was very good.
#4
Thank you both for the comments and suggestion, I will be sure to take as much as I can into consideration.
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