#1
it felt so safe
holding you hand
wading into a divine mist
searching, like there was some
thing to find, we'd uncover
a secret, a word
washed ashore.

i told myself
this is not only right now.
but anyone could have
been there with you.
i think there was nothing
so special as the
apathy with which you greeted my presence,
the bitter sting of fading,
receding from the color,
always leaving
little by little.
it felt so safe
#2
I don't care much for the first stanza, to be truthfully honest. It's pretty and all, but it paled in comparison to the tone of the second stanza.
i think there was nothing
so special as the
apathy with which you greeted my presence,

This hit hard, I really liked it. Everything that followed was just as good, very harrowing. The end line is a perfect period to the piece. Confusing, but accepting of the circumstances, I feel. I loved this ending.
#3
thanks. i do feel like the first stanza isn't great, but i felt like it sets up the second one. gotta piece you want me to view?
#4
I wouldn't say the first stanza isn't great, it just doesn't carry the weight and meaning that the second one has. Well, to me anyways. I would never call this bad at all.

If you don't mind, A Trophy for Atrophy is on the first page, and I'd enjoy some feedback.

Thank you very much
#5
I disagree with saying the first stanza isn't great, I like how it's simple and slow then builds up into the higher emotional value of the second part, like a song that starts out slow and builds up as it goes along. I like the bookends of "it felt so safe", brings it all together, and I like the second stanza a lot.

If you got a second man, could you critique a song I wrote, I'd love some input https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1469034

Thanks man