#1
You pick up the cup that shattered
in your hands
Blood stains the carpet and the shoes
converse the brand
He looks at you in disgust,
your gonna have to clean that up
Oops, look what you did,
you broke his favourite mug

Violence aint the answer
protect yourself my friend
Your none the wiser
your no fighter no offence

Back your bags and run
Leave tomorrow in the cold morning sun

You ask all your friends for help
But they soon turn you down
I guess its time you left
Your out of town bound

Any place any time go now if you like
this is your only chance

Violence aint the answer
Protect yourself my friend
Your none the wiser
Your no fighter, no offence

Back your bags and run
Leave tomorrow in the cold morning sun

Don't you see what your doing to her
You bring her up, beat her down, smack her around for your own pleasure

So I'm gonna give you some advice you better take
Stay clear of her, stay out of my way

Your train is leaving
your safer now
Moving along,
passing through town to town
Conductor check your ticket,
everything's okay
You arrive at platform six
it's safe to get off the train

Violence aint the answer
Protect yourself my friend
Your none the wiser
Your no fighter, no offence

Back your bags and run
Leave tomorrow in the cold morning sun


I didn't have any part in writing this just to let you know, but I'm going to have to perform it so in order to justify a re-write, I would really need to know what other people think. Personally, I only like the chorus so any crits on this would be greatly appreciated.
#2
Quote by Alkaline 64
You pick up the cup that shattered
in your hands
Blood stains the carpet and the shoes
converse the brand
He looks at you in disgust,
your gonna have to clean that up
Oops, look what you did,
you broke his favourite mug
I didn't really like this opening. It felt so...just...tossed at the reader. There was no showing, it was all point-and-say. It's too easy to fall back on "There is blood. There is pain." It would read a lot better if you showed it. The mug line felt really trivial, and I didn't like the "oops" very much. It took away from the seriousness.

Violence ain't the answer
protect yourself my friend
You're none the wiser
you're no fighter, no offense
Do your best to proofread before posting. It's harder to critique when you have to weed through poor grammar, punctuation, and spelling. After getting through that, I didn't feel like this was too bad. I'm not sure why you're telling someone to bother protecting his/herself when they're "no fighter."

Back your bags and run
Leave tomorrow in the cold morning sun. I liked this, though.

You ask all your friends for help
But they soon turn you down
I guess its time you left
You're out of town bound
I feel like there might be a better way to convey abandonment, but in the story like feel of this piece, this is fine.
Any place any time, go now if you like
this is your only chance
Punctuation is your friend. Also, you're a bit contradicting with this. You tell them that it can be whenever, then the very next line, it's now or never.


Don't you see what you're doing to her
You bring her up, beat her down, smack her around for your own pleasure

So I'm gonna give you some advice you better take
Stay clear of her, stay out of my way
Didn't care for this at all. It's pretty useless, and ruins the story.

Your train is leaving
you're safer now
Moving along,
passing through town to town
Conductor check your ticket,
everything's okay
You arrive at platform six
it's safe to get off the trainThis was the best part of the piece. There's a bit of a slant rhyme to end on, which is good. It ends with a feeling of hope, and has the only real established rhythm of the piece. It flows better and reads better and has a happy ending. Yay.


I got a bit critical but I stand by what I said. Please be sure to proofread your pieces, because it's especially hard when the lack of punctuation gets in the way of the meaning of what you're trying to convey.

The piece wasn't bad, I just feel like it could use some work in the areas I pointed out. If more of it was like the ending, I think it would have been a lot better.
#3
You pick up the cup that shattered
in your hands Maybe just me, but the tenses you have here don't make that much sense. You have yourself picking up a 'cup.' that sounds like has already broken. Now a suggestion I have would be to write something along the line of you picking up the fragmented glass of what's left of the cup. Maybe even add some descriptive words that allude the over story of the piece, i.e. something about broken glimmers of hope (cliche I know but you get the idea.)
Blood stains the carpet and the my shoes
converse the brand Just a personal suggestion, but I would either enlighten what this line means (I am sure it means the 'shoes' are a 'Converse' brand, but I suggest either clearification or omittion
He looks at you in disgust,
your gonna have to clean that up
Oops, look what you did, I don't know if 'Oops' is the word you are looking for. By the imagry you have so far, this is a dark, gloom and serious theme and 'Oops' is none of those things.
you broke his favourite mug
So far I honestly don't care for the opening too much. When opening a scene you usually start with drawing a picture and filling in who all the people are. I would really like the first couple lines if you change the imagry a little bit but besides that I would suggest more pictures. And maybe a couple metaphors to go with the pictures that explain what this is all about

Violence ain't the answer
protect yourself my friend
You're none the wiser
You're no fighter no offense
I am not a fan of 'ain't', but whatever get the idea through. Besides that... You are you fighting; or more correctly questioned, who are you not suppose to be fighting? You have only mention that you broke this guy's favorite mug (whomever he is or why he likes this mug so much.) And you contradict yourself here; you have written in three different ways about how this person is 'Not a Fighter,' but in the second line you say 'Proect yourself my friend.' I would like to know how you can protect yourself without fighting. Maybe even add the enlightenment within the poem somewhere, that could be useful knowledge.

Back your bags and run
Leave tomorrow in the cold morning sun
I like it, though running is almost the oppisite of protecting yourself, but I still like these two lines.

You ask all your friends for help
But they soon turn you down
I guess its time you left
Your out of town bound
Better, but there is still something that still bothers me. We are four stanzas into this and I still have no idea who this person is or why he/she is running or whom/what they are running from.

Any place any time, go now if you like
this is your only chance
So now this person can go anytime they like, as long as it is right now...

Don't you see what your doing to her
You bring her up, beat her down, smack her around for your own pleasure
Pardon me, but whom are we talking to now? Is your friend beating up someone for breaking their mug, or is your friend being beaten up by someone else for their mug. And why is all of this over a mug, what did the mug ever do to them?

So I'm gonna give you some advice you better take
Stay clear of her, stay out of my way

Well now you don't need this at all, you are just adding more lines to an already confusing story.


Your train is leaving
your safer now
Moving along,
passing through town to town
Conductor check your ticket,
everything's okay
You arrive at platform six
it's safe to get off the train
Well I like how this ends on a clearer note, but I still have no idea what went on. It all seems like a hazy dream, which if that is what you are going for then there are still some things you need. Hazy dreams work best if it is mostly filled with hazy pictures, pictures that aren't fully described but the reader still feels like they are actually there, living it. I would also clearify who did what to who for what reason and who should really care. Not to sound mean or anything but you need the reader to want to be part of the story, or it's just another story out there.

I am sorry if I seem to be a heartless critique but it's how I critique most peoples work and I do it so they can see where they failed on this one and try to work on that for future attempts. Don't stop writting, I like your style. It just needs to be buffed a little and you'll be writting pieces of art soon enough Keep on Writing



EDIT: I just read the part the you wrote under the poem and saw that this is not your work. Sorry I didn't notice this before, and also tell them that I don't mean to sound too harsh, just harsh enough to make it better. Also I would suggest telling the person that wrote it to work a little more on images. That makes or breaks poetry. Just saying...
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Last edited by 24WildRovers at Aug 11, 2011,
#4
Can't thank you guys enough, it really means a lot to me that you took the time to go through all that. Seriously, you both are real troopers!

I'll offer a re-write the next time I see him, and show him what you've said. I really hope he understands why you both gave such harsh critiques because before he played this song for me, he said he was really proud of the lyrics. He also has a bit of an 'ego' issue that I try to just ignore... I can't imagine what you'd think of all the other songs he's written! Anyway, the grammar was all mine. I wrote it out in a hurry while listening to the demo he sent me, sorry about that.

Thanks again guys, you kind of stated what I was thinking in some places too.

If anyone wants a C4C, say and I'd be glad to analyse a piece of yours.