#1
You've seen it
I've tore my chest open
Revealing my bone
and muscle
My core, keeping all this
carbon waste alive

Your move.

______

As always, C4C

#4
Quote by Sign of War
i'm on a horse

I'm sorry?

Quote by blake1221
All I have to say is: Fuck yeah.

This wasn't a critique so don't worry about the C4C

Well I hope that means that it's good
#5
Eh, this didn't do anything for me. It just feels like a cliche wrapped up in vague packaging trying to sound clever.

The idea of opening up one's chest as a metaphor for revealing oneself emotionally is so used up that it doesn't evoke any emotion in me anymore. You didn't use it in an interesting way here either.

I don't mean to sound like I'm just hating on this piece, but I wasn't into it at all.
#6
Quote by Winter Sky
Eh, this didn't do anything for me. It just feels like a cliche wrapped up in vague packaging trying to sound clever.

The idea of opening up one's chest as a metaphor for revealing oneself emotionally is so used up that it doesn't evoke any emotion in me anymore. You didn't use it in an interesting way here either.

I don't mean to sound like I'm just hating on this piece, but I wasn't into it at all.

Yeah I know it isn't my strongest piece, but I think it just makes a lot more sense to me than it would to you. It's alright I understand though, reading it again it does seem a tad cliche, but I don't really see much vagueness about it. I was more aiming for concise.

Appreciate the crit man.

What if I changed the word 'chest' to 'flesh' ? It might not come off as cliche I guess.
Last edited by ali.guitarkid7 at Aug 13, 2011,
#7
Quote by ali.guitarkid7
Yeah I know it isn't my strongest piece, but I think it just makes a lot more sense to me than it would to you. It's alright I understand though, reading it again it does seem a tad cliche, but I don't really see much vagueness about it. I was more aiming for concise.

Appreciate the crit man.

What if I changed the word 'chest' to 'flesh' ? It might not come off as cliche I guess.


I got a 'vague' feeling because the piece as a whole doesn't seem to say much. I didn't come away from it feeling like I had an idea of what you were talking about.
#8
Thank you for the crit. I appreciate it. "And muscle" line seems out of place. It interrupts the flow. Also, I think you could find something better than "carbon waste". It's too clever for its own good, if you know what I mean. The last line though was grand. And don't change it to "flesh" instead of "chest". At least with chest you get a nice double meaning. Anyways, keep on writing.
#9
Quote by Winter Sky
I got a 'vague' feeling because the piece as a whole doesn't seem to say much. I didn't come away from it feeling like I had an idea of what you were talking about.

Oh alright, so I guess I should maybe add to it and explain more. Or not, cause I kinda like it the way it is Eh, i'm not sure. I'll see.

Thanks man
#10
Quote by ali.guitarkid7

Well I hope that means that it's good


It's good, not the best.
I just loved that last line.
#11
Quote by themarsvolta
Thank you for the crit. I appreciate it. "And muscle" line seems out of place. It interrupts the flow. Also, I think you could find something better than "carbon waste". It's too clever for its own good, if you know what I mean. The last line though was grand. And don't change it to "flesh" instead of "chest". At least with chest you get a nice double meaning. Anyways, keep on writing.

Yeah I know what you mean, I'll try to work on this over the next couple of days and see what I get.

Quote by blake1221
It's good, not the best.
I just loved that last line.

Oh Thanks
#12
Just a word of advice, don't work on this piece. Meaning this piece specifically. Expand upon it/ use it as a refrain/central theme in a different piece. Just my opinion.
#13
Quote by themarsvolta
Just a word of advice, don't work on this piece. Meaning this piece specifically. Expand upon it/ use it as a refrain/central theme in a different piece. Just my opinion.

Yeah I've been thinking of maybe just keeping it as a spoken word thing, like an interlude or something.


Thank you all guys, these are awesome suggestions