#1
you were always wistful to me, and i was
filled with whimsy, hoping only to hold
your hands through my sleeves
(they were always too long to look tidy)
- you would furrow your brow and count
my freckles meticulously, like some imperturbable
ritual, and i was greatly disturbed by the
nerve you had to kiss my cheeks while
we made love (before you loved me) -
i love your throat the way i love a water fountain,
purely out of necessity, always leaving me
slurping and hoping for more, never quite
satisfactory, but so damn necessary in the heat -
you beat me to the aimless chase, and we'll make love
many more times before i love you.
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#2
your writing is a bottle rocket recently.

short pieces stuffed full of firecrackers.

coughing up too many pronous but interspersed with some excellent imagery (water fountain line.)

plus, your titles keep making me click, so props on that.
#3
this is pretty horrible. a lot of overthought words and poorly constructed ideas. slurping? seriously?
This is not a pipe
#4
Ahhh, come on, there's undoubtedly worse. I think anyone who posts pieces with the words "Verse 1" and "Chorus" should be shot, for instance. They're usually pretty atrocious.

Regarding the piece, I wanted it to be a bit more...I don't know the word. Focused? Specific? Concerning a shorter amount of time? You jumped from the past to the present to the future, spending too much time on one while not enough on the other.

That being said, I think this would be a neat little piece if you expanded on it instead of keeping it a mere fifteen lines. Clearly, you aren't short of inspiration.
the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn


#5
thanks for the input!

Quote by Carmel
this is pretty horrible. a lot of overthought words and poorly constructed ideas. slurping? seriously?

damn girl that was an amusingly rude way to put it
Quote by Arthur Curry
it's official, vintage x metal is the saving grace of this board and/or the antichrist




e-married to
theguitarist
minterman22
tateandlyle
& alaskan_ninja

#6
I dont particularly like this, it uses imagery well, but, well, just not my kind of peice :L

Cobrevolution, please don't shoot me :/