#1
rhythm&blues for a sky discontinued;
for falsettos in foreign heights - where i miss you
in words so simple and stark; for sober nights
rewinding in cars, singing for emptiness,
singing for all the time you left me with,
singing for the highway stretch without an exit, yes
what else but to move on?; it's for
the error etched in the way i touch you,
the way i want to hug you each time
we cross on campus; it's for knowing
if even a candle burned within you -
i can live with a love so ephemeral
that the remnants and ashes are gone.
and what else is there but to move on?
on towards the white edges, where my sadness
can lyricize it no more. i do know
there will be rhythms as well as blues
and honestly, i do hope you're there too,
albeit slightly discontinued - only a low crescendo
rising up 'til the point where i first loved you.
here, My Dear, here it is
Last edited by SubwayToVenus at Aug 12, 2011,
#2
You know, I never understand your pieces, but I always find a line or two I really enjoy.
#3
This piece was a beautiful read from beginning to end. I enjoyed your use of rhymes and line breaks; they really added to the piece. The only thing that stood out was the 'campus' bit; it felt off within such an introspective, metaphor-heavy piece.

The last two lines were perfect. Great work.

#5
My favorite poem on the first page so far, you stream together your words pefectly, not a line stood out awkwardly ('cept for the campus bit, I agree with Winter Sky). Your assonance, consonance, rhyme, rhythm, etc, everything was aligned so perfectly as to keep the piece flowing from beginning to end. I highly enjoyed reading this introspection on a love lost..."where I miss you in words so simple and stark" is also a great little meta-line.
art tumblr

If I'm not raw, I'm just a bit underdone.
#6
^thanks so much for the kind words. i'm currently traveling with my family so it might take me a few days before i can crit yours, but i promise i will once have the chance
here, My Dear, here it is