#1
C4C, as always.

A lowered voice and a nervous laugh,
the aching heft of a soul
performing mimicry atop the trunk of a car
parked arm's length (too far away)
from another car.

Given life in the heat of summer,
and concealed beneath a tarp in the fourth year,
an apple tree is wilting
as you and I labor to decide where to bury the seeds
(somewhere they cannot grow.)
#2
They way you set scenery really, really reminds me of J.K. Rowling.
OBEY THE MIGHTY SHITKICKER
#3
Oh, man. Somewhere they cannot grow.

I haven't read Harry Potter in forever so I can't speculate on the J.K. Rowling thing, but I can say that I liked the ending.

Good stuff, man. I know I wasn't very helpful, but maybe this doesn't need all that much help.

Today I feel electric grey
I hope tomorrow, neon black
#5
Ganoosh said it, there's really not much to help here. The only thing I can see "wrong" is probably more of a shortcoming on my part, and that's just that I can't seem to make the connection between the two halves. Really liked it, short and sweet and to the point.

Flawless last two lines.
#6
blake1221: The cars bit in the first stanza references a specific personal experience, so it was admittedly a little self-indulgent on my part to include it, but I think there's enough ambiguity to it to (at least vaguely) connect the two stanzas.
#7
Yeah I definitely picked up the personal nuance of it, just not it's entire relevance to the rest. But again, I believe it's there and that you wrote it in, I'm just failing to see it or fully get a grasp.
#8
I think the first stanza just needs a little bit more there. You work so well with economy and the general phrasing of your ideas because you leave a lot of images open for interpretation. I as a reader in particular love when writers do that. That being said, I don't think you gave enough clues or enough help to the reader so that I could discern the relationship between the "you" and the "I". "Performing mimicry" is obviously the important idea here, that is the central action of the first stanza. However, you don't give much context for it so I really have no idea how to interpret that. What exactly is being mimicked? Should I feel sad about this? Angry? I can sense a little bit of melancholy in that stanza but its never really fleshed out for me. The second stanza is much, much better. The images are still used economically but are clear enough for me to get something out of them. I just think that is what is missing from the first half
here, My Dear, here it is
#9
Maybe it's because I wrote the piece (although I'm trying to observe it objectively) but I really feel like there are enough clues in the first stanza to give the reader a rough idea of what's going on. But then, two people have said they can't grasp its meaning, so I guess I'm not being objective enough.

Perhaps I'll expand upon the first stanza within the next few days, perhaps I won't. I rarely make any drastic changes to my work, so maybe just some small additions. Either way, thank you both for the critiques.
Last edited by Winter Sky at Aug 13, 2011,
#10
I can get an idea of what's going on in the first stanza, but (to me) the problem is that you kind of abandon the reader leaving him to fill in the blanks about whats happening.
i'm left feeling confused as to what is being mimicked, and thats what i'm getting at - i'm kind of lost here.

in this scene two people are talking while sitting on a car, you're telling us that the nervous laughter and the lowered voice are supposed to sound like an aching soul?
the "aching soul" is the one performing mimicry, trying to laugh to hide its real feeling?

tell me if this is correct, or if not, do I at least get an A for effort?

I do have to say that I love the last stanza. good work overall, I would say...but it may need just a tiny bit more.
i need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah.
#11
I've read this over and over, then took a step back from it and read it some more. I'm just having a hard time discerning what is going on. You have the setting down but i don't think there is enough detail for me to get the plot or, in the first stanza, really the mood. I have to say the last two lines were excellent though. Overall it was an enjoyable read. I just wish i could get a little more out of it.
#12
Quote by Winter Sky
C4C, as always.

A lowered voice and a nervous laugh,
the aching heft of a soul
performing mimicry atop the trunk of a car
parked arm's length (too far away)
from another car.

Given life in the heat of summer,
and concealed beneath a tarp in the fourth year,
an apple tree is wilting
as you and I labor to decide where to bury the seeds
(somewhere they cannot grow.)


I'm also a little muddy on the intention of the first verse. First two lines speak to me, and then - the third line - what are they doing? I like the inference of distance between the cars as a personal distance? Close, but too far?

2nd verse: The last two lines blow me away. I can't get past that. You could sing a song of those two lines over and over and I'd be compelled to keep listening.
Did you know: animal agriculture contributes more to global warming than all modes of transportation combined? Go Veg - it is the right thing to do for the planet, for your health, and for the animals.

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Last edited by lmcd at Aug 15, 2011,