#1
crit4crit
IT AIN'T SO SIMPLE BEING A SIMPLE MAN

I've never been afraid of the dark
Yet sunshine scares the life out of me
Beating down as cruelly as
The whip of a zealous overseer

Slaving away from dawn until dusk
The sweat from my brow waters the field
But if I eat one crop they'll cut my hand off
And yell at me, "How dare you steal!"

They'll quickly take their sickles
And reap the reward of what you've sown
The jingling in their pocket
Is the rattling of someone else's bones

My father told me in this world
All a man has is his word
But the constant cackling of vultures
Makes it so damn hard to be heard

Sooner or later though the hand of God
Will tear apart their land in Eden
He'll make them bite their tongues so hard
The worm won't ever stop bleeding

They'll quickly take their sickles
And reap the reward of what you've sown
The jingling in their pocket
Is the rattling of someone else's bones
Last edited by themarsvolta at Aug 13, 2011,
#2
Quote by themarsvolta
crit4crit
IT AIN'T SO SIMPLE BEING A SIMPLE MAN

I've never been afraid of the dark
The sunshine scares the life out of me
Beating down as cruelly as
The whip of a zealous overseer
Great first stanza, but why not try and connect the first two lines by changing 'the' into 'yet' ? It's just that I feel these lines should be kind of "attached", I'm not entirely sure how to explain my point, but sometimes just a change in a tiny word could give better 'flow'.

Slaving away from dawn until dusk
The sweat from my brow waters the field
But if I eat one crop they'll cut my hand off
And yell at me, "How dare you steal!"
Another great stanza
...
They'll quickly take their sickles
And reap the reward of what you've sown
The jingling in their pocket
Is The rattling of someone else's bones
Again, (and I haven't got a really vast vocabulary so excuse me for my bad descriptions) awesome stanza. However, like I said before just a slight change in the article could do some real good.

My father told me in this world
All a man has is his word
But the constant cackling of vultures
Makes it so damn hard to be heard
Good

Sooner or later though the hand of God
Will tear apart their land in Eden
And He'll make them bite their tongues so hard
The worm won't ever stop bleeding
Just remove the 'and' in the line I've highlighted. I think this is my favorite stanza out of the entire piece.

They'll quickly take their sickles
And reap the reward of what you've sown
The jingling in their pocket
Is rattling of someone else's bones
As I said before, just a slight change in the article would (at least, to me) make a huge difference and improve on your point.

Awesome read man

AEDIT: By the way, if you've got the time: Know Me

Hope this was a clear enough crit
Last edited by ali.guitarkid7 at Aug 13, 2011,
#3
Like always, I enjoy how many lines are above average. There's rarely any filler with you, and it comes across really well. Somehow you always know the perfect fulcrum to pivot a phrase on.

"My father told me in this world
All a man has is his word
But the constant cackling of vultures
Makes it so damn hard to be heard"

In this piece, I thought this was the standout stanza. The imagery and the simple way you told it really sells the meaning. It doesn't feel shallow at all, just honest. Being earnest is sometimes hard to show when covering everything with imagery, but here it's very clear. The consistent rhyme scheme was kept varied enough that it never got tedious and boring.

Another solid piece, man. Great job.
#4
i dont feel like the word zealous could be pulled off nicely in a song, but if it sounds right to you then **** what i say.

judging from these two stanzas:

"They'll quickly take their sickles
And reap the reward of what you've sown
The jingling in their pocket
Is the rattling of someone else's bones

My father told me in this world
All a man has is his word
But the constant cackling of vultures
Makes it so damn hard to be heard"

you could make something better than these last
two lines:

"But if I eat one crop they'll cut my hand off
And yell at me, "How dare you steal!"

to get the same point across.

I particularly like what you did with this:
"The jingling in their pocket
Is the rattling of someone else's bones"

I can see this being kind of Tom Waitsian with the simple and elegant way you put some of the darkness of the world into words. what kind of music do you have planned for this? (if any)
i need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah.
#5
"My father told me in this world
All a man has is his word
But the constant cackling of vultures
Makes it so damn hard to be heard"

It's been said above, but I'll say it again. Damn good stanza. If this is a song, then I think this stanza makes a far better chorus than what you've repeated above. It's memorable, and it sums up your feelings of frustration and powerlessness nicely.

As you're illustrating, what I assume, is a slave plantation, I think you could very easily tie this into modern context with some well-placed metaphors. What you're writing about isn't particular to that time in history, it's a feeling that still emanates in working any job where you're just a cog in the machine. I think you could really take advantage of that, and say some powerful things about society. Just an idea.

Crit?
art tumblr

If I'm not raw, I'm just a bit underdone.
Last edited by Svetlova at Aug 15, 2011,