#1
Hey guys, I'd like some feedback on this if that's alright...

A friend of mine sent me a text with the title of a song (Life Outside Of Us) and I wrote him lyrics for it. I can't say it took me longer than about 5-10 minutes, but it's the first time I've written anything that wasn't a joke. I wrote the music to go with it too, but i'll address that and the composition another time.

Any feedback, improvements or constructive criticism is really welcome.

Here goes...

Life Outside Of Us

We’re perfectly defective
We’re terribly secure
You’re convinced you’re not good enough for me
I just can’t be convinced.

There’s a life outside of us
But we’ll never know what it’s like
Cause we’re both just so ****ed up
That we’re never gonna take the chance.

We’re pretty indescribable
We’re horribly in sync
I correct every word that you say
You’re starting not to think.

There’s a life outside of us
And we’ll never find out what it’s like
Cause we’re both just so ****ed up
That we’re never gonna take the chance.

We’re stunningly dependable
We’re unspeakably sincere
You don’t know a single thing about me
I’ve become somebody else.

There’s a life outside of us
And we’ll never find out what it’s like
Cause we’re both just so ****ed up
That we’re never gonna take the chance.

We’re getting closer to over
We’re completely blind to that
You know I’ll end up resenting you some day
I’m too scared to be alone

There’s a life outside of us
And we’ll never find out what it’s like
Cause we’re both just so ****ed up
That we’re never gonna take the chance.

There's a life outside of us
There's a life outside of us
There's a life outside of us
There's a life outside of us, I'm just too scared to be alone.
#2
Quote by St. Chambo
Hey guys, I'd like some feedback on this if that's alright...

A friend of mine sent me a text with the title of a song (Life Outside Of Us) and I wrote him lyrics for it. I can't say it took me longer than about 5-10 minutes, but it's the first time I've written anything that wasn't a joke. I wrote the music to go with it too, but i'll address that and the composition another time.

Any feedback, improvements or constructive criticism is really welcome.

Here goes...

Life Outside Of Us

We’re perfectly defective
We’re terribly secure
You’re convinced you’re not good enough for me
I just can’t be convinced.

I really like the use of opposites used as adjectives in the first two lines (perfect vs defective / terrible vs secure). The only thing I don't like is the double use of 'convinced' in the third and fourth lines. I would change one of them to something else.

There’s a life outside of us
But we’ll never know what it’s like
Cause we’re both just so ****ed up
That we’re never gonna take the chance.

I'm not a fan of using '****ed up' in lyrics because it's so overused and it doesn't really say much. Are you drunk? Depressed? On drugs? It just isn't specific enough. Anyway, this is a decent chorus. A little cliche, but not bad.

We’re pretty indescribable
We’re horribly in sync
I correct every word that you say
You’re starting not to think.

The flow feels a little off in the third line. Other than that, another solid verse. However, I'm a little annoyed that this verse rhymes but the first one didn't; it just seems weird.

There’s a life outside of us
And we’ll never find out what it’s like
Cause we’re both just so ****ed up
That we’re never gonna take the chance.

We’re stunningly dependable
We’re unspeakably sincere
You don’t know a single thing about me
I’ve become somebody else.

By now, this verse structure (We're somethingly something / We're somethingly blah) is starting to annoy me. It was neat at first, but it feels stale at this point. I suggest changing it up. That said, this is another pretty good verse.

There’s a life outside of us
And we’ll never find out what it’s like
Cause we’re both just so ****ed up
That we’re never gonna take the chance.

We’re getting closer to over
We’re completely blind to that
You know I’ll end up resenting you some day
I’m too scared to be alone

The overall flow feels really off in this verse. And, again, the structure is really stale and almost annoying after so much repetition of it.

There’s a life outside of us
And we’ll never find out what it’s like
Cause we’re both just so ****ed up
That we’re never gonna take the chance.

There's a life outside of us
There's a life outside of us
There's a life outside of us
There's a life outside of us, I'm just too scared to be alone.

I adore repeating one line as the ending, so I'm digging this part. Pretty solid ending.


Overall, this wasn't bad, just a little repetitive. I would suggest changing up the verse structure a bit. Also, there are far too many choruses for my taste. I would group the four verses together into two verses of two stanzas each, leaving only two or three choruses. Other than that, this feels like a pretty solid song. Nice work.

#3
Quote by Winter Sky
Overall, this wasn't bad, just a little repetitive. I would suggest changing up the verse structure a bit. Also, there are far too many choruses for my taste. I would group the four verses together into two verses of two stanzas each, leaving only two or three choruses. Other than that, this feels like a pretty solid song. Nice work.




Thanks for your input. Genuinely appreciate the honesty.

I stretched it out with more choruses as the song, with music is quite fast paced and would have been really short. Will have to squeeze out another couple of verses...