#1
something new. c4c

the most deafening sound i’ve ever heard is that of silence
an impregnable wall surrounding my mind that seems to trap all my thoughts in my head
after a day strolling through this city
the silence that greets me in my one bedroom apartment rattles my brain
a thunder clap in a summer storm
i try to recall the ghostly echoes of the day
but their harsh shouts elude me

the silence is misery

i smoke one cigarette after another
just for the fleeting relief when i hear the click of my lighter
Last edited by CaptMorgan at Aug 14, 2011,
#2
The only line I don't like here is the first one; it's so cliche, and the rest of the piece pretty much conveys the same idea without needing to say it explicitly. I especially liked the last two lines, although 'click' doesn't seem like the right word for the sound a lighter makes (well, most lighters anyway; I guess some do 'click').

Anyway, this was a pretty good read. Nice work.
#3
I'd agree about the first line. Seems a bit unnecessary. But the rest was pretty cool. I liked the last 4 lines a lot minus "the silence is misery", but that doesn't mean it's bad, just not my taste.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1466480
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1459069
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1429800

Any of these are fine. Thanks!
Last edited by D&DLover at Aug 15, 2011,
#4
The first line is an old old old cliche but still works. You just have to be more creative in making comparisons.
#5
Thanks for the crits everyone. Much appreciated. I've already got yours winter (sorry i don't know your name). D&D and carltinmar just leave a link and i'll look at yours.
#6
Weak start, but I love the word choice of the second line. The imagery picks up very nicely in the last three lines of the first stanza. Really like the feel and tone of everything. I can't seem to take "silence" as seriously with its usage, and I think it takes the impact out of the standalone line. I think you could come up with something a bit stronger.

The ending was great, I loved it.
I quite liked this piece, very enjoyable to read.
Last edited by blake1221 at Aug 15, 2011,