#1
Nice wrapper

Who says that first impression
Isn’t always right, is mistaken.
I didn’t t like from the first time I’ve met you
But time went by, I thought I knew you,
How could I’ve been so blind and didn’t read you?

I’ve watched you kill my dreams
I’ve let you burn my wings
I didn’t do a thing
I’ve closed my eyes and think
That everything was pink.

A beautiful soul I thought I’ve found
And bonus a nice wrapper
But after you revealed yourself
All it s left is the wrapper.

I can t go on with you like this
So i l go on without you
Too bad that when I m looking back
All I see is the wrapper.

A beautiful soul I thought I’ve found
And bonus a nice wrapper
But after you revealed yourself
All it s left is the wrapper.
#2
Quote by irishcaffe

Who says that first impression
Isn’t always right, is mistaken.
I didn’t like you from the first time I’ve met you
But time went by, I thought I knew you,
How could I’ve been so blind and didn’t read you?
I like the opening, but it's fixable. "Who" needs a subject, or "whoever." "Isn't always" reads a bit clumsily, but it's not that bad. The last line gets a bet tread upon, so maybe find a different way than "how could I have been so blind."

I’ve watched you kill my dreams
I’ve let you burn my wings
I didn’t do a thing
I’ve closed my eyes and think
That everything was pink.
This stanza's a let down. The opening two lines are cliché, the third and fourth lines aren't complete grammatically, or in the same tense. Maybe choose a different word than "pink" as well.


A beautiful soul I thought I’ve found
And bonus a nice wrapper
But after you revealed yourself
All it s left is the wrapper.
I like the concept you're going for, but the rhyming of "wrapper" with itself gives the feeling that you couldn't come up with another idea, rendering it feeling incomplete.


I can't go on with you like this
So I'll go on without you
Too bad that when I m looking back
All I see is the wrapper.
This stanza didn't feel as well thought out. You just resort to the wrapper line without anything to add to the idea. It could be expanded upon. The starter two lines also come across as really underwhelming. They don't say much, or explain why. There's nothing here to evoke any emotion for the reader to match up with the author and understand where they're coming from.


I liked the general idea/theme of this piece, but it could use a bit of work. Some parts need more development, and others need to be dropped altogether. Keep writing.
#3
In the first stanza, you rhymed "you" with "you" a total of three times. Seems like you got a bit lazy and didn't quite know where to go with your rhymes. Also, I think it's a bit too telling. You're essentially giving away what the entire piece is about in the first stanza. You have to let it build and reveal itself in time, each stanza giving the stanza before it more meaning, otherwise, why should I keep reading?

I agree with the above comment that the first two lines of the second stanza are cliche, and honestly "pink" just seems like word you threw in there to rhyme with "think". You could solve this problem by cutting this stanza out entirely as it doesn't really illustrate much at all. If you want to address the hurt this person apparently caused you, give some specifics. Don't just hide your whole piece behind metaphor and abstract imagery, especially when they're a bit cliche. Write from experience. What made this event unique, and important enough to write about?

As far as the last three stanzas, I recommend finding a different way to say she was beautiful. If you want to use the word "wrapper" go for it, but for one, don't repeat yourself five times over. Secondly, realize that without giving specifics as to by this girl was such a bitch to you, you seem a bit chauvinistic. To me, "nice wrapper" brings the association of a candy wrapper, because that's honestly the only time I can think of that word is used other than when talking about gift wrap. So yeah, in my mind, you've turned her into a sweet, succulent prize that for some ambiguous reason you despise now. I'm guessing she dumped you.

Keep writing.
--Lisa
Crit?
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If I'm not raw, I'm just a bit underdone.
Last edited by Svetlova at Aug 15, 2011,